Ruin your life

Insecurity will do that.

I do not like myself. When someone makes nearly any comment, as people tend to do, I will always do one of three things. I will assume a defensive position and fight to the death to be right where there was no question or argument or blame, I will overanalyze the words spoken to the point that I can only assume the worst, or I will assume that the person believes me to be unintelligent and incompetent and was trying to insult me. It does not take much.

"Wow, I'm kind of tired today," a close friend might say.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wanted to hang out with you. I was just going to be busy tomorrow and I have plans to go home this weekend. I thought you said you wanted to hang out. I'm sorry you don't like me. I I wish you had told me you were tired. I wish you hadn't lied and said you were tired if you just didn't want to hang out or were already busy. I'm sorry. I can go. I'm sorry I wasted your time. I hope you aren't mad. I'm sorry you think I'm so dumb. I'm sorry." 

If someone else drops something, I will apologize. In an anxious and self-loathing mind, it is all I can do. Yesterday I cried because I opened a car door and the wind blew it open. I nearly hit the car parked next to me. I cried because I made a mistake that was honest and could not have been prevented. It happened, and then I felt stupid. I said to who I was with, "I'm sorry! There was wind! I'm so stupid. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let that happen. Let's go home instead."

You see how this makes things more challenging?

Someone once told me they could never accept a sincere apology from me because I am so flippant about using those words, "I'm sorry," already. They lose their meaning when they are repeatedly so often. Save it for when I really need it, that kind of thing.

I am so concerned about - what, exactly? I do not care what people think about me in a relational sense. I am not concerned with my popularity or even my reputation necessarily. I just want to be sure not to give anyone a reason to call me stupid. That is probably the worst thing about my insecurities - they do not make rational sense. I think I am smart. I think I am fairly well read. I believe that I know a thing or two. I still hate myself and call myself stupid. The catch is that no one else is allowed to. It ruins me. It ruins me so much that I am perpetually in a state of believing that everyone is already thinking it. Whatever frame of mind this is that I am trapped in, it has me set up for failure; indefinitely. People cannot sincerely think positive things about me. I will not believe them. Even if I want to and sometimes can find it in me to do so, I am trained already to assume one of my three positions. It is ingrained in me to fight and refuse most forms of love.

I just want to stop feeling so useless. I know what my behaviour can do to the people I care about. I make other people feel as though they are doing something wrong. I make people feel like they cannot say or do certain things when they are around me. It is not true. I do not want anyone to feel afraid of hurting me. I can take a joke. I have a sense of humour. You can poke fun at my expense. I just cannot take a normal comment that a regular person would not think anything of. I am grossly unpredictable and moody.

This is going to seem untimely and ironic, but I want to publicly apologize. Whatever your relationship to me, if I ever made you feel like you were not doing enough to make me happy, mea culpa. I promise you were and are doing fine. I know what my faults are, and I even know which bits are merely my perceived faults. I do not know a magical spell or a potion that will make insecurities and anxieties disappear, and I do not know why I am so paranoid. What I do know is that I am a person full of love. Perhaps that is why I have such difficulty accepting any for myself - there is more than enough in me for others.

I am taking small steps to make myself see that I am not the center of everyone else's universe. I am loved more than I let myself believe. I am going to  s l o w l y  lessen my apologies where they are not warranted. I can bring impact and meaning back to those words, "I'm sorry."