I saw a post on Frank Ocean's tumblr where someone had asked him to explain the current situation to himself five years ago. I thought about how much my life has changed from what I imagined it would be today, and though no one is asking me because I'm not a celebrity or really anyone to look up to, I thought I would do something similar for my own purposes. Nary a day goes by where I am not thinking about the choices I've made, the people I've loved and allowed to love me, and everything and anything inbetween. This is it! This is where I've been, this is who I was, and it all lead up to this moment. Now, since I'm young and I don't necessarily remember June 2009 super well (summer before grade twelve), I'm going to talk about where I was three years ago (June 2011). The last three years is probably the meat and potatoes of my self discovery and growing up.
Hey, you.
You just finished your first year of post-secondary. Congratulations! I know it wasn't exactly what you wanted and planned, even though I know you're still pretty happy with how everything panned out. I know you're looking for a job right now and it all seems hopeless. You don't want to have to move back home again at the end of the month if you still haven't heard from anyone. You're going to meet so many people who will love you and keep you sane; especially once you get a call in a couple weeks for the job you'll have for the next couple years. Don't worry, because you'll almost never have a problem with your money. You could always do better and save more, but you're going to be pretty comfortable for a while. You do work hard, afterall.
You're going to face a lot of doubt and confusion soon. You're not going to want to stay and complete school, and I get it. You've already just faced a lot of bad news and you're scared for the future. From this moment on, you won't have much faith in your school. You are going to be cynical and bitter and you're never going to feel like you belong. This isn't bad. You'll get through it, and it won't be easy, but the good news is that you will always stay faithful to yourself. You value yourself, and that isn't selfish. It will take you a while to really be the strong person that you know you are inside, and you'll feel like you're doing something wrong, but push through it. You're going to falter and give in to others and feel stupid later and hurt people you love and who love you in return - but you're going to come out stronger in the end. You always say you don't live with regrets, but I know you'll learn that you have a couple. That's okay.
Nothing is going to be the way you dreamed it would. None of it. People will get everything you want before you, when you believe you deserve it more, but to be honest, you'll be thankful things don't happen the way you expected. You're going to go through the most painful days of your life so far and you'll spend days stuck in bed, sleeping because it's the only time you don't wish you were dead instead. You're going to make a lot of hard choices all at once and your life is never going to be the same. Change is not bad.
You will have to come to terms with some harsh realities and realize that some people in your life were not good for you. This doesn't mean that you can't have good memories or learn from things. You will always be someone who is kind and not vengeful. You're going to want to be angry and full of spite, but to be honest, you aren't capable of it. I'm proud of you because I know where you go with everything you've been through.
You probably want to hear that the future is more certain, but I can't even say that I am certain about tomorrow. It takes a lot of time, but you will come to terms with the fact that life isn't simple and it's impossible to know everything. You are just as confused about "adult life" now as you will be in the future. But you'll have someone with you who keeps you calm and helps you through it. And perhaps best of all, you will be loved. You will not be controlled or manipulated or worried about pleasing everyone. You will be free. And I'm so excited for you to see and feel this, because it's impossible to put into words.
See you in three.
No comments:
Post a Comment