I took a few moments to think about what things I have "accomplished" so far in my life. The list isn't very long. I could probably count them on one hand. For the number of things that I perceive myself to have failed, however, I could likely write a formal essay.
Why is it so much easier to bring myself down than it is to encourage and motivate myself? Why do I give up so easily and complain that I haven't done anything, when the obvious answer to all of my problem is to simply make goals and work to achieve them?
I'm discouraged because of all of the things I've quit. I quit college the first time around. That also meant I was quitting my positions. I was going to be a residence assistant before I left. I left my student cabinet position because I stopped wanting to do it. I didn't keep my promises or challenge myself or do any of the hard work. I just quit. I quit my last two jobs because I didn't like them. I got up and walked away from both of them because I just didn't care anymore. In the back of my mind, I have the knowledge that tells me life is not going to be easy. It is not going to be comprised of all of my favourite things at all times. Every task I find myself committed to is going to have to be given at least some of my attention and skill, no matter how I feel about it. That's what jobs and volunteer positions are all about. I didn't have to take those specific jobs. I didn't have to tell anyone I wanted to be a part of a team. I didn't have to go to school. But I chose all of those things, and then I gave up on myself and everyone who depended on me to some, any degree.
I'm a quitter. I'm a failure. I'm a loser. I'm nothing.
People close to me tell me they're proud of me. They think I'm smart and I have potential to go places and do important things. I don't know who they're looking at, but I don't feel like it's me. I think there is someone inside of me that is strong and capable, but I don't know how to get her to come out and take the reigns in my life. I know I am a hard worker when I want to be. But I can't only do things that I enjoy and want to do, so how do I make myself put the effort in all the time?
I'm the kind of girl that can skip class and read over her notes half an hour before an exam and still pull off 80%. I could be the girl who gets perfect. But I don't do that. Why be perfect and do work when you can be good enough and do nothing? I'm the kind of girl that has personality and occasionally says something people like or think is smart, so generally I'm off the hook for all the other things I'm not doing well enough. Why work your tail off and not get recognized when you can put your two cents in when it's appropriate or needed and just drift along the rest of the time?
I'm a procrastinator. I'm comfortable where I am as long as I don't think too hard about anything. But I want to be someone, go somewhere, do something. And unfortunately for me, I wasn't born into riches and I don't know a lot of people with power. I have to do the work to have the things I want. So I'm torn between wanting more for myself but not wanting to make any effort, which is probably something a lot of people feel even though we might not want to admit it. I know promotions and good jobs and awards and recognition and reputation and money don't just walk up and sit in your lap. I don't need to be told that.
So what is it that I need?
I can't even make myself go through the motions and steps that are proven to give me what I want. I can't even eat the right food or get enough exercise to lose weight. I cry myself to sleep for being unhappy with my body, then wake up and eat two of my meals out and sit at home all day. Why all the sabotage? Why doesn't my head connect with the rest of me?
I can tell other people how to make goals. I can pour information out of my mouth into the minds of others like some sort of Wikipedia syrup. I can talk forever if I know something someone else doesn't. But would I ever take my own advice? I highly doubt it.
I wish I could say that the turmoil I feel when I don't accomplish anything is enough to motivate me. I wish I could hate the way I behave enough to change it.
I already know the solutions. I'm lazy, and that needs to change. I need to have a better, different perspective. What about the things I have done? I need to believe in myself. And as much as I hate the idea of it, I need someone to check in on me and shake my shoulders when I get too lost in my melancholia.
"Failure" is this utterly debilitating state when you bring it on yourself. No one has ever told me I'm a failure before, at least not at any tasks I've tried to perform. I do this sort of thing to myself. I want to feel like everybody else does about what I do and am capable of; full of pride and happiness. And when things are too hard, I don't want to quit, because I know how good triumph feels.
Maybe it has to have more to do with wanting to enjoy and share my accomplishments than trying to escape my imagined failures.
I've been thinking about this post for a couple day. I heard a quote somewhere that said something like "Other people judge us based on actions. We judge ourselves based on intentions." And therein lies the difference between what other people see of us and what we see in ourselves.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, sometimes quitting isn't quitting. Sometimes it's realizing that you're not happy and finding something else to do that might make you happy. Quitting isn't always a bad thing. It might just lead you to where you need to be, even if it doesn't feel like it when you're in the midst of the indecision and fear.
I thought about your second point after I had written this. My decisions {to quit} ultimately lead me to a place that is has more happiness and freedom than whatever I was doing prior. I think a lot about whether or not my own happiness is something I am meant to seek (or people as a whole, not just me). I was told for a long time that personal happiness and doing what *I* want isn't going to make my life meaningful or fulfilling. I don't know if I am hearing echoes of that "advice," or if I am genuinely worried that happiness is all vanity.
DeleteI think pursuing your own agenda is a good thing. It's a good way to see who is in your life because they love you and who is there because you cater to them. I used to bend over backwards to keep people happy because I thought their happiness would equate to mine, but that was not the case. As I was pandering to them, I was dying inside. Now, I pursue my own life regardless of what the needy people around the fringes of my life might think. It's even caused a rift in my extended family, but I'm a better person for not having them in my life. And I don't feel guilty for admitting that because it's my life, not theirs.
DeleteAnd I'm sorry to keep throwing quotes at you, but I'm not as eloquent as some other people.
“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”
― Hugh Mackay
Whenever I talk about happiness now, for me it's code for wholeness. Sooo yes, I think happiness is superficial but I think it's worth striving for as we strive to be whole.
(sorry this is long...)
I really love that quote, I passed it along on my Facebook (because I mostly use it wrong, I like to make people discuss things and think, not just share funny pictures or whatever!).I agree wholeheartedly. I was speaking to a friend who is in North America from Hungary.. she says it's strange that we ask how one another are, seemingly constantly, and we always reply with a standardized "fine, good, great," and move on. She says it's odd to come to expect dishonesty, and for what? We don't want to make others uncomfortable with our struggles? I really like the idea of loving people in their brokenness - perhaps a leftover Christian sentiment, something I was used to hearing and understood in church communities - but it's a good one that needs to be applied everywhere.
DeleteI empathize with dying to your self for others. I did that for a long time, too. I have lost people who once evidently only loved me because of our similarities. I don't blame them, I understand what some beliefs can do to a person and their relationships. I am not bitter. We do what we must. I'm glad you are looking after yourself. This is the only life you have :)
And for the record, I think you are plenty eloquent.
I'm glad you liked it! I think about it a lot when I'm struggling.
DeleteWe live in a superficial society where nothing matters except what's on the surface. It's a sad fact, but it's always the emotional ones and the ones with problems who are picked on and ridiculed. It sucks.
I agree that loving people is one universal idea that everyone should adhere to. I wish more of the world did. And I wish certain people would stop hiding behind religion to oppress people. Bah.
I'm glad that you seem to be starting the journey towards your wholeness (happiness?) :] We will both get there someday!
And thanks! *blushes*