Existential Crisis

I have never wanted to be a person that has total disregard for others' feelings and experiences. I don't necessarily go out of my way to make others feel bad, and I try my best to think about the consequences of my actions. That doesn't mean I'm good at it or that it happens every single time, but I just mean that I don't like to fancy myself a total failure, either. But it seems increasingly so that there's a disconnect, and my perceived self and real self and ideal self are all over the map. I want things that contradict one another. I want to be nice to people and it would be nice for other people to enjoy talking to me and think good things of me, but I don't want to have to pursue too many people or invest too much time and energy into engaging with said people. I know it doesn't make sense. I think sometimes the good things about me are my independence and passion for certain issues and my honesty. They have been appreciated in the past. But I do understand how these things can be intimidating and make me seem like I'm not a very nice person. Some people don't appreciate it. That's fine. I don't know how to be "nice" and still be me and still also not be totally hated or written off. It's a huge problem.

I guess recently I've said and done some things, some of which a lot of people aren't even aware of, but that's okay. I'm trying here. I don't want to be a complete asshole and lose whatever friends I've somehow managed to obtain over the years regardless of my anti-social behaviour and blatant disinterest in deepening relationships. But with that said, I am trying to figure out how to be the person I always figured I was inside (okay, that's corny, but I don't know how else to explain) and do things that make me happy. There is a huge debate about what that means, and if I'm doing it right or wrong, I assume I will find out. It makes it so much more complicated to care about yourself and want to do new things and also not be totally disowned by people from your life who now want to be only a part of your past. It's not easy to grow up or adjust to change, I think everyone would agree. Somewhere inside I do have a lot of love to share, and I do care, and I don't like to hurt anyone. I don't think I've been a victim forever, or that my life is awful. I just want something different, and I'm not afraid anymore to ignore that.

I guess the short version is that I'm sorry my choices hurt other people. I'm figuring out that life is far too short and far too beautiful to not enjoy it sometimes. Sometimes that means being a bit ridiculous. If you disagree, I want to leave it at that. I wish I could make people understand why I do the things I do I wish I could explain to the people who matter and would listen that I am wanting desperately to articulate and put into action the kind of person I really feel I am. I know I could say stuff about forgetting about the "haters" and my real friends will always be there for me, but I just want other people to be happy, too. I don't want to be seen as someone who is selfish and careless and dumb. And I don't even know if I'm *supposed* to care what other people think.