for I lack zeroing in on a real purpose when I only write sporadically.
In response to my last post, things have gotten better. Actually, I'm unsure if that is the word I should choose. Things are bittersweet at the moment. It has been a long month, but I finally found a job. It is not glamorous, to say the least. I am going to work at a pizza call center, helping to take orders for all of Canada. I am just relieved to be making money again. Anyone who tells you, "I wish I had more free time," has never actually had as much of it as I have had the last few weeks. It's not that great. I have hobbies and things I've wanted to do and watch, but it's torturous to have to fill an entire day with only things you want to do. I spent a lot of time sleeping and feeling sorry for myself.
My relationship wasn't going too well. I'm debating getting into it at all because over the years I've said so much. I can't tell if that is me being avoidant, or if I'm really just out of energy with the whole thing and ready to move on. Maybe it's better left unspoken. I don't know how to write about it right now. I don't even know if I'd feel anything. I like to think I am scared because I will cry and hurt and that's why I'm avoiding thinking about it too much, but I don't even believe I would be sad. I feel like a monster. He always said I was.
I think about morality and relativity and being a good or bad person a lot. I don't know what any of it means. Years ago I would have tried to believe things were black and white. My experience of the world and its inhabitants proves that this cannot be the case. My Christian counterparts tell me that relativity is ruining the world, there needs to be a higher moral standard to uphold. I don't know how to do that anymore. I don't know how to be a good person for everyone. I don't know how to sacrifice my own happiness and freedom day after day and become a slave to what everyone else wants for me or expects from me. I can admit when I make mistakes and hurt people, but that's all I can do. I have spent years being unhappy, repeatedly convinced that I am wrong about some such thing or another. If it makes me a bad person to some to look out for myself and do things for myself for once, I want to do it. But I don't know how to live with that judgment, all those eyes staring at me and the whispers and the breathing down my neck. We just hurl about these over-spritualized one-liners about how what we want for ourselves isn't God's best for us. I can't know, I am willing to learn to discern and make sacrifices, but I can't believe that my life was created and destined for dissatisfaction and mundanity. Extraordinary things have happened to me and in relationships with people and it is those times where I have been told that I am a bad person. It has lead me to become a husk of the person I used to be - I used to think highly of people, and give others the benefit of the doubt, and take an honest interest in the lives of others. I'm left jaded and cynical, angry at others for my perceived persecution and judgment. I push people away. I stopped caring. This makes me a bad person.
A good person? Well... I don't really like that term. Because to me, it just seems to mean someone who's good FOR you. And I don't think there's any one person who's good for everyone. So if you don't help me... then, to me, you're a bad person, right? — Armin Arlert
I'm a Christian (Episcopalian) and I don't believe in universal morality. I think everything is relative and I think too many self-proclaimed Christians spend too much time taking account of their neighbor's actions. When they are perfect, then they can tell me how to live my life. Until then, they can go fuck themselves. I don't need that negative, stigmatizing drivel in my life and so most of my friends are atheists, Muslims, Jews, some Christians, but all of them are people who promote love and acceptance rather than the judgement so many seem to think is theirs to dole out.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you need a more diverse group of open, loving people in your life. I hope you find them.
I replied but then it decided it didn't want to be a reply and commented regularly instead. Haha.
DeleteI've slowly been figuring out how to keep quiet where it's more beneficial. There are times I know when to speak out, but the finer points of doctrine and between denominations is no longer one of them. I have met some beautiful, like-minded people since moving and it's changed things a lot. I used to only be angry because I thought I couldn't possibly be the only one to see the flaws in some others' reason; I very often felt alone in the things I felt and thought.
ReplyDeleteI feel I have many "enemies" at the moment because of life choices, so it's where a lot of this banter in my head has come from.