i'm terrible at loving people

i don't typically lack empathy, but i am not a very compassionate person. when i was vegetarian, it wasn't because i thought animals were too cute to consume. i actually hate animals. i never want another pet in my life, if i can help it. i hate the sound of children crying. i really just hate children in general. i've tried to love and care for people with low self esteem, compulsions to self-mutilate, and feelings of anxiety. these are all vices i possess myself, but know that i can't even love me: how could i ever love someone who makes me feels like i'm looking into a darkened mirror? or is the room the mirror is in well-lit, so i canclearly see the outline and details of every single thing i hate? i've been the honest and blunt person before. i've been the friend people come to for advice. i've been the model girlfriend in a long-standing relationship, the people everyone said, "aw, you two are perfect for each other!" to. but remember, there's always so much more to someone than they reveal in the public. there's so much you don't see.

i'm not good. i'm terrible at loving anyone or anything.

if you ever hear the expression, "you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself first," it's not a tired cliche. it's one of the truest things i've experienced. when you obsess over everything - from how big of a deal something is, to apologizing for things that aren't your fault, to imagining every worst possible outcome of a situation - you have nothing good to offer the people who love you. every opportunity you've had to make someone else happy is consumed by your obsession with yourself and how you feel. you feel bad, you feel evil, you feel like a shitty person. you feel like you messed up, you feel like things can't get any better, you feel hurt by your own mistakes. what about them?

maybe i'm worse at being empathetic than i first evaluated.

the worst part is that my concern with my own feelings isn't arrogance, at least not in the narcissistic way we're used to thinking the meaning of the word is, it's not that i'm over here thinking about how important i am. nothing about it is positive. but the very fact that i can't see past how badly i feel about pretty much my entire existence puts up a huge roadblock in any relationships i have: especially the closest ones. i used to think i had a good handle on my emotions, but i've realized more recently that i have no clue how to be an emotionally healthy human being. i used to feel like my privacy was invaded when people wanted me to be honest about what i was thinking and feeling, but any time i've been asked in the past - what if i had answered? what if i had given those things the time of day and worked on it, so that when it really mattered like it does now, i would be prepared? people always say practice makes perfect, but what the hell have i been doing? what if people really do just love me and want to be a part of my life, instead of having to halt at a sheet of glass between our hearts, holding their palms to it and looking in with pain and longing every time they want to get closer?

i've been angry with anyone who's ever said to me that i am a liar because i hold my feelings inside, locked up with the key thrown away. i usually just say, cheekily, "it's not lying, i just didn't say anything." see, i thought lying meant i said something that wasn't true. but by not saying a word, i've essentially said that everything is okay, when in reality most times it isn't - not one bit. i'm the girl who cries herself to sleep. i'm the girl who becomes irrational and can't explain why i'm angry. i'm the girl who holds onto everything and dumps it on you later. i'm the girl you really don't want to love, because it's a chore. it's a burden. it's cumbersome. you choose it, and i never know why, because i can't see anything good in myself. i see a liar and someone who is bad at giving any love back.

how do you love a person?

my ways are hallmarked by inconsistencies. my methods are likely seen as too small, too trivial. i think of people i love and i let them know. honestly, i will bring you a coffee or a sandwich every day. i hold tight and i never want to let go. i always give you my time. but when it comes down to the hard stuff, what really matters, i need all the help i can get. and most people who have tried to love me have the same criticism - i never seem happy. why would anyone want to bother with someone who seems like they can never be pleased?

gosh, sometimes i feel like i will burst with the amount of love i feel for some people. if i could wish on a shooting star, or pray to a god that truly exists, or own the monkey's paw, i'd ask to learn how to love. my ways aren't enough. the words get jumbled, the negative emotions i can't control come out, and the only thing i feel like i can do is press my hands or body close enough and hope that my love jumps across my skin to theirs. i'm not good at a lot of things, but i can get over that. i want desperately to be better at this one thing, because sometimes i really feel like my life depends on it. i would die penniless, but i wouldn't want to die without learning first how to love the people i do.

can this be the last night someone says to me, "i just worry if you do love me"? because i do, hell, i love you more than i love myself. that much is apparent. and maybe i had to write this out just to remind myself once again that i need to do that, i need to love me, too.

i don't believe much about the bible, but if i had to pick one thing, it's what love is. love is about being patient and kind, not holding onto what others do wrong to you. it's about forgiveness and not being angry without reason and not purposely hurting others. it's about promising to protect, trust, hope, and persevere. and it's always a choice. those who have ever chosen to love me? gosh, you're brave: but, thank you. you're teaching me every day how to improve.