I used to have a blog that I used for posting all my feels and 'real things' that happened; the sort of things that people on the interet seem to find therapeutic. I used to like pouring out bits of my heart to strangers online, but as the years passed, I began to like it less and less. I started seeing it as a desperate and pathetic cry for attention, as blogs became more and more personal and more and more people spoke out about their problems. I used to have a lot more compassion and understanding for people, but now the only feelings I muster up are ones of annoyance and anger. I am easily triggered by self harm and eating disorders and it's offensive to me when people take them lightly and blog about them and the words and feelings seem so simple. It is most likely a fault with myself, but I have a hard time believing people are suffering when they can talk about it nonchalantly. More and more, I find myself getting uspset when people have Tumblrs and other blogs exclusively devoted to caloric intakes, complaining about being fat, and posting "progress photos." I am sad because it feels like a mockery of something that consumes entire lives. I was sworn off "real life, personal blogging" because having problems and low self-esteem became glamourous.
I want to say now that I don't think everybody is a fake. I know there are people with feelings they can't change, can't ignore, can't cope with, and their lives are a fucking bloody mess because of it. If that's you, and only you know, I'm sorry. Not everyone deals with their lives in the same manner, that's something I've had to come to terms with. I felt frustrated with others who did things differently than me because I felt like their methods made their problems less genuine. I still don't understand how people with low confidence and self-esteem can have entire Facebook albums devoted to pictures of their bodies and faces, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. I've been cold to people I identify with because, even with our deep similarities, there's always critical differences that shake me to the core. I'm still at the stage where I love my lonliness. Actually saying to someone, "I understand what you're going through," feels like I'm giving up a secret part of myself. I'm stuck.
I stopped blogging mostly because I felt I was going to become one of the very bloggers I despised. I didn't want to get comfortable or reveal too much or have too many people agree with what I felt and thought. I didn't want to start complaining too much. I didn't want to fabricate my life. I wanted to keep things simple.
With all of that said, you can see that I'm back. I read a friend's blog tonight that inspired me to try again. I know how to be real and I don't think I have the same fears anymore. I really want this to be personal, but I say now that I will still know where to draw the line. I also want this to be a positive blog, not a place for complaints and rants and general negativity. I want to learn about myself. I want to open up to people, because that's what people do when they care. I've been rude and cynical for far too long, and it's time to grow up.
