Go back to fourth grade. The assignment is to read a level-appropriate book and get up in front of the class and summarize the plot. I choose Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I stand up when it's my turn, and stand there, beet-red for probably two minutes. though it feels more like a lifetime. Before I spontaneously combust, I decid to sit back down. Silently. I receive a failing grade, an incomplete.
Stay in and around fourth grade. Every winter, we do school speeches. No matter how much I practice, how confident I feel at home, how helpful my cue-cards are written, I still choke.
Stay around fourth grade a while longer (they really like to torture me, an otherwise A-grade student). I read Sammy Keyes and the Hotel Thief. I have a creative component to go with my oral presentation. I made a shoebox diorama. I don't speak, and I don't show anyone.
Go back to high school English class. I am doing a report on something I read. I am really excited to talk about The Blind Assassin. I get up, smile at the class, and say, "I think I'd rather fail than try and do this." I sit back down, everyone incredulous at how easily I let my usually-good grades slip by me.
Go back to second semester of my first year (and time) at college. A group of us are presenting on homosexuality in our culture. I am genuinely interested in talking to people about the topic. I stumble, say, "uhm" a lot, and frustrate myself for not being as articulate as I am when I write. But at least I speak.
Stay in college. I am doing a small handful of other presentations: most with others, one or two on my own. I alway miss an important discussion point or potential for dialogue. I think to myself, I should be able to speak my mind, why is it so hard?
Go back to about a year ago. I realize once I enrolled in another program at another college that I am going to have exams where I have to essentially "perform" tasks and showcase skills to my professors. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about having to explain what I learn in a "hands on" environment. I just want to write papers and read books. I don't want to speak. I know I won't be able to get across what I actually know and am capable of.
I really didn't want to speak, but I did.
Go back a couple of weeks ago. Classmates are around me, asking last minute questions, going over scenarios with me and expressing their terror at having to do yet another practical exam.
I'm standing outside the examination room, my heart beating its steady badum, badum, badum. I'm being tested on my interviewing skills, my ability to be engaging and professional. I look the part. I know already exactly what I'm going to say.
I'm encouraging others to relax and plan their talking points, if they think it might help. I'm telling them it's just a conversation, something they do everyday. How did they meet me, engage me in conversation? The same way they're going to on this exam.
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I'm the girl who used to freeze up and give up out of fear. I'm the girl who just didn't want to try. But look at me now; helping others, giving people advice. I can prepare material and talk in front of a group. Really, I can talk to anyone. I've come a really long way from the scared kid I used to be. We can always overcome our greatest fears.
