I went to school today a bit early to have coffee and meet up with a good friend of mine. I asked her about her weekend, and heard how she's been going through a tough time. We ended up having a really amazing heart to heart.
We had to meet up and talk because I've been short with her lately. I find myself easy to anger, and I often speak out of turn. I wanted to apologize and let her into my world.
I've been trying for over a year to determine what has changed me. I know I wasn't always an angry person, someone who always overreacts. I also know that my bad reactions to seemingly insignificant things are not constant; sometimes it comes and goes, like a phase. I can have a bad couple of weeks or months, and then "improve," yet relapse again. I keep trying to pinpoint what went wrong. I keep beating myself up over not finding lasting change. I'm a vessel for worriedness and defensiveness.
I told her all of this. I told her all my fears. She told me things about herself, too. At one point, my friend looked at me with tears in her eyes. She told me a story about her abusive father."People just have so much baggage," she said softly at the end. "I think I'm broken. I think you're broken, too."
It's never easy to admit you need help. It's never easy to look at your life and take the things that hurt you and turn them into betterment. It's usually easier to lay it all out and use it as a way to explain why you are the way you are. I'm just not content to use my pain to explain away my actions.
I'm grateful to know people who listen to me, love me, and support me. I don't like where I am, but I am hopeful that I can grow out of it because I am loved.
