I don't want to beat a dead horse, but.. ("Us" vs. "Them")

If anyone reading knows anything about my comings and goings, you will know that I recently wrote my first blog for Hashtag Hope. A little background information: it is a not-for-profit organization that seeks to offer a little bit of encouragement and remove the stigma from suffering in silence. For the most part, the writers and creators are Christian. The tone in their blogs and most of what they do reflects this quite strongly. Naturally, with me not being a Christian, I worried about being a part of the blogging team. Most people want to hear that their hope lies in Christ. What do I have to offer? I opted to write honestly and passionately about these very fears. I thought it would be a good way to set the stage for who I am and how I write. I was not going to lie and incorporate Jesus into my writing for the sake of others. And because my "deconversion" is still a fresh wound, it took a lot of courage to write what I did and address my issue of not fitting into that world any longer.

Quite ironically, someone commented on the very things that I was trying to avoid. The purpose of my blog post was twofold - one, to share how I've grown and am looking for meaning in my life. I offered hope and encouragement. That is the requirement to write for Hashtag Hope. It has to come back to something positive in the end. But the other purpose was for myself, in a sense. In writing my exact thoughts down and sharing them with an audience, I feel like I freed this part of me that was going to continue to apologize for my own existence until the end of time. I don't have to apologize for who I am when I am not hurting anyone. I was being myself, which was a huge theme in what I wrote, and I was offering my side of the story. People appreciated it. Most people appreciated it.

The majority of the one negative comment addressed how they thought I was selfish. Phrases like, "no wonder you're depressed: you only care about yourself," "Really? Everything was good about Hashtag Hope until this post," "you say you 'tried faith,' but I really question whether you 'tried' at all," still flash past my eyes like some sort of bizarre marquee. The majority of what was said hinged on judgment by Christian standards - which is what I want to write about briefly here.

I did the chuch thing. I studied the Bible. I read it front to back a couple times. I took courses on it. Theology is interesting to me. And if someone wants to believe I didn't try hard enough to actually believe it and live it, that's fine. I can accept that. What I won't accept is that someone, anyone can believe that telling another person what they believe or whether they "tried hard enough" is acceptable behaviour, in any circumstance. Specifically in this context, it's not something you're supposed to do. It's not up to a faith-professing person to tell someone else where their heart is, or whether or not they are right with god. It's like sneering at someone and saying, "you're not even saved, because you did X." If I were a Christian still and saying things like, "loving yourself is important, you should love yourself" and you believed Christ asked us to practice self-abnegation, you still shouldn't be able to decide whether or not I'm a "real" Christian in good conscience. This is addressed numerous places in Scripture, but for this purpose I'll refer briefly to Romans 14 and judging the "weaker" brother.

"Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
⁵ One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. ^6
...
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another."

You probably know the gist of this one. If you have disputes within your faith or various denominations, unless it's a super important detail and not just a preference, it doesn't really need to drive a wedge between believers. You don't need to judge someone for the small stuff and whine because not every believer is the exact same as you. This is all relevant if I had done something that was perceived as "against" my worldview, if I were still a part of the church.

It's an entirely different story to use what happened in this case, considering my current feelings about religion. Again, countless times in Scripture it is clear that it's not the Christian's job to hold "non-believers" to the exact same standard. 1 Corinthians 5:12: "For what business have I to judge outsiders? Judge the insiders."

I want to be clear that I am not writing this because my feelings are hurt and I am seeking revenge or further confrontation. I merely think it's important for people to understand the implications of their faith if they profess to believe something like the Bible. If you believe that it is a guide book for how you are meant to live out your faith and serve god, please don't pick and choose what parts are important to follow and which ones can be thrown on the back burner because of your own self-righteouness. My problem with the comment was not that I was insulted. My problem was that it didn't make sense. To summarize, I was judged by Christian standands, something which I am not. I was made to feel as though my experience was invalid because someone else leads a differently life and has a varied opinion. I was told that I never tried hard enough to be a real Christian.

I would advise that we first take the log out of our own eyes lest we become hypocrites and judge others for things we aren't even meant to be judging. 

I do not identify as a Christian. I am a writer for Hashtag Hope because I care about the same things that the other writers and creators of the organization do. I want to reach people with a message of hope and share my thoughts and experiences. I am not going to be the exact same as someone else. I am not going to live to please everyone else. I have my own philosophy that I am currently shaping and refining every day. I have struggles of my own. I am a person, just like everyone else. I believe in free speech, and so I do appreciate that commentor sharing what they believe. If I am free to share how I feel, so everyone else must be able to. But it has to go both ways. I will not be silenced because one person may have wanted that or was possibly offended by my words. 

I recognize that I am going to constantly battle the people who are on the other side of the fence, the side that I left behind. I still see you as equals and I try my best to interact with and love people as individuals. I would appreciate the same. I do not take kindly to be judged as an immoral person strictly because I am not going to mention Jesus at all times. I accept that I will not always be liked for who I am, and that I will not be able to be something good for every person. I just want to be true to myself and if I can help another poor soul along the way, that's more than enough joy for me.

Thanks again to anyone who reads this. I hope I didn't sound harsh at all, because in my head it's all quite cool and composed. I really think all people should evaluate what they say and believe, and not just once. It's a constant thing, a lifelong endeavour. 

Happy thinking, friends.

thoughts for the week

point form like a boss because I lead a very busy life.

• there is a difference between believing something to be important and sharing your views vs. going out of your way to attack someone who has an opposing view simply because you dislike them for thinking "the wrong way"
• on the same note, there is nothing positive to be gained from going into a community specifically for a group of like-minded people, with whom you know share an opposing view, and telling them they are all awful and incorrect
• it should be noted that discussions are welcome, with sound argumentation and no personal attacks - criticism should also always be welcome
• sometimes it is best to keep your unpopular and/or controversial opinions to yourself - keeping in mind the above points
• stop. breathe. think about things that make you upset - they probably don't matter in the grand scheme of your life
• life is meant to be lived in the present - you can't enjoy something if you aren't even aware it's happening because you're too busy planning two weeks from this moment
• people should be very careful to avoid telling others how they feel or what they're going through - asking questions is okay, but it is not okay to make a conclusion for someone else, or about someone you don't know 
• people who love you want to hear you speak, not just speak at you constantly
• censorship is bad, free speech is important - and if free speech is a value, a positive in your eyes, you have to also accept speech that does not align with what you believe. it's free for you - and so it's free for all 
• you cannot be everything to everyone

to my former self

I saw a post on Frank Ocean's tumblr where someone had asked him to explain the current situation to himself five years ago. I thought about how much my life has changed from what I imagined it would be today, and though no one is asking me because I'm not a celebrity or really anyone to look up to, I thought I would do something similar for my own purposes. Nary a day goes by where I am not thinking about the choices I've made, the people I've loved and allowed to love me, and everything and anything inbetween. This is it! This is where I've been, this is who I was, and it all lead up to this moment. Now, since I'm young and I don't necessarily remember June 2009 super well (summer before grade twelve), I'm going to talk about where I was three years ago (June 2011). The last three years is probably the meat and potatoes of my self discovery and growing up.

Hey, you. 

You just finished your first year of post-secondary. Congratulations! I know it wasn't exactly what you wanted and planned, even though I know you're  still pretty happy with how everything panned out. I know you're looking for a job right now and it all seems hopeless. You don't want to have to move back home again at the end of the month if you still haven't heard from anyone. You're going to meet so many people who will love you and keep you sane; especially once you get a call in a couple weeks for the job you'll have for the next couple years. Don't worry, because you'll almost never have a problem with your money. You could always do better and save more, but you're going to be pretty comfortable for a while. You do work hard, afterall. 

You're going to face a lot of doubt and confusion soon. You're not going to want to stay and complete school, and I get it. You've already just faced a lot of bad news and you're scared for the future. From this moment on, you won't have much faith in your school. You are going to be cynical and bitter and you're never going to feel like you belong. This isn't bad. You'll get through it, and it won't be easy, but the good news is that you will always stay faithful to yourself. You value yourself, and that isn't selfish. It will take you a while to really be the strong person that you know you are inside, and you'll feel like you're doing something wrong, but push through it. You're going to falter and give in to others and feel stupid later and hurt people you love and who love you in return - but you're going to come out stronger in the end. You always say you don't live with regrets, but I know you'll learn that you have a couple. That's okay. 

Nothing is going to be the way you dreamed it would. None of it. People will get everything you want before you, when you believe you deserve it more, but to be honest, you'll be thankful things don't happen the way you expected. You're going to go through the most painful days of your life so far and you'll spend days stuck in bed, sleeping because it's the only time you don't wish you were dead instead. You're going to make a lot of hard choices all at once and your life is never going to be the same. Change is not bad. 

You will have to come to terms with some harsh realities and realize that some people in your life were not good for you. This doesn't mean that you can't have good memories or learn from things. You will always be someone who is kind and not vengeful. You're going to want to be angry and full of spite, but to be honest, you aren't capable of it. I'm proud of you because I know where you go with everything you've been through. 

You probably want to hear that the future is more certain, but I can't even say that I am certain about tomorrow. It takes a lot of time, but you will come to terms with the fact that life isn't simple and it's impossible to know everything. You are just as confused about "adult life" now as you will be in the future. But you'll have someone with you who keeps you calm and helps you through it. And perhaps best of all, you will be loved. You will not be controlled or manipulated or worried about pleasing everyone. You will be free. And I'm so excited for you to see and feel this, because it's impossible to put into words. 

See you in three.