Existential Crisis

I have never wanted to be a person that has total disregard for others' feelings and experiences. I don't necessarily go out of my way to make others feel bad, and I try my best to think about the consequences of my actions. That doesn't mean I'm good at it or that it happens every single time, but I just mean that I don't like to fancy myself a total failure, either. But it seems increasingly so that there's a disconnect, and my perceived self and real self and ideal self are all over the map. I want things that contradict one another. I want to be nice to people and it would be nice for other people to enjoy talking to me and think good things of me, but I don't want to have to pursue too many people or invest too much time and energy into engaging with said people. I know it doesn't make sense. I think sometimes the good things about me are my independence and passion for certain issues and my honesty. They have been appreciated in the past. But I do understand how these things can be intimidating and make me seem like I'm not a very nice person. Some people don't appreciate it. That's fine. I don't know how to be "nice" and still be me and still also not be totally hated or written off. It's a huge problem.

I guess recently I've said and done some things, some of which a lot of people aren't even aware of, but that's okay. I'm trying here. I don't want to be a complete asshole and lose whatever friends I've somehow managed to obtain over the years regardless of my anti-social behaviour and blatant disinterest in deepening relationships. But with that said, I am trying to figure out how to be the person I always figured I was inside (okay, that's corny, but I don't know how else to explain) and do things that make me happy. There is a huge debate about what that means, and if I'm doing it right or wrong, I assume I will find out. It makes it so much more complicated to care about yourself and want to do new things and also not be totally disowned by people from your life who now want to be only a part of your past. It's not easy to grow up or adjust to change, I think everyone would agree. Somewhere inside I do have a lot of love to share, and I do care, and I don't like to hurt anyone. I don't think I've been a victim forever, or that my life is awful. I just want something different, and I'm not afraid anymore to ignore that.

I guess the short version is that I'm sorry my choices hurt other people. I'm figuring out that life is far too short and far too beautiful to not enjoy it sometimes. Sometimes that means being a bit ridiculous. If you disagree, I want to leave it at that. I wish I could make people understand why I do the things I do I wish I could explain to the people who matter and would listen that I am wanting desperately to articulate and put into action the kind of person I really feel I am. I know I could say stuff about forgetting about the "haters" and my real friends will always be there for me, but I just want other people to be happy, too. I don't want to be seen as someone who is selfish and careless and dumb. And I don't even know if I'm *supposed* to care what other people think. 

I need to do this more often,

for I lack zeroing in on a real purpose when I only write sporadically.

In response to my last post, things have gotten better. Actually, I'm unsure if that is the word I should choose. Things are bittersweet at the moment. It has been a long month, but I finally found a job. It is not glamorous, to say the least. I am going to work at a pizza call center, helping to take orders for all of Canada. I am just relieved to be making money again. Anyone who tells you, "I wish I had more free time," has never actually had as much of it as I have had the last few weeks. It's not that great. I have hobbies and things I've wanted to do and watch, but it's torturous to have to fill an entire day with only things you want to do. I spent a lot of time sleeping and feeling sorry for myself.

My relationship wasn't going too well. I'm debating getting into it at all because over the years I've said so much. I can't tell if that is me being avoidant, or if I'm really just out of energy with the whole thing and ready to move on. Maybe it's better left unspoken. I don't know how to write about it right now. I don't even know if I'd feel anything. I like to think I am scared because I will cry and hurt and that's why I'm avoiding thinking about it too much, but I don't even believe I would be sad. I feel like a monster. He always said I was.

I think about morality and relativity and being a good or bad person a lot. I don't know what any of it means. Years ago I would have tried to believe things were black and white. My experience of the world and its inhabitants proves that this cannot be the case. My Christian counterparts tell me that relativity is ruining the world, there needs to be a higher moral standard to uphold. I don't know how to do that anymore. I don't know how to be a good person for everyone. I don't know how to sacrifice my own happiness and freedom day after day and become a slave to what everyone else wants for me or expects from me. I can admit when I make mistakes and hurt people, but that's all I can do. I have spent years being unhappy, repeatedly convinced that I am wrong about some such thing or another. If it makes me a bad person to some to look out for myself and do things for myself for once, I want to do it. But I don't know how to live with that judgment, all those eyes staring at me and the whispers and the breathing down my neck. We just hurl about these over-spritualized one-liners about how what we want for ourselves isn't God's best for us. I can't know, I am willing to learn to discern and make sacrifices, but I can't believe that my life was created and destined for dissatisfaction and mundanity. Extraordinary things have happened to me and in relationships with people and it is those times where I have been told that I am a bad person. It has lead me to become a husk of the person I used to be - I used to think highly of people, and give others the benefit of the doubt, and take an honest interest in the lives of others. I'm left jaded and cynical, angry at others for my perceived persecution and judgment. I push people away. I stopped caring. This makes me a bad person.

A good person? Well... I don't really like that term. Because to me, it just seems to mean someone who's good FOR you. And I don't think there's any one person who's good for everyone. So if you don't help me... then, to me, you're a bad person, right? — Armin Arlert