Who do I want to be?

It wouldn't be the beginning of 2015 without a contrived list of things I want to change about myself, now, would it?

Even with that joke made and out of the way, this is a serious question I've been desperately thinking I need to reflect on. I am sometimes accused of being the kind of person who caters more to the desires of others, often sacrificing my own thoughts and feelings. This isn't to say that I am spineless and will do anything to gain the approval of others; it's more that I am constantly giving to those I am close to, even at my own expense. I am most often a good listener and least often a good talker. I leave the excitement of sharing my passions to most other people, because I sort of live vicariously through their ambition. With the people I'm closest to, the light in their eyes when they talk about all of the things they want to achieve makes me deliriously happy for them. But I'm not entirely passive and disinterested in my own life. I have dreams and goals for my life, too. I'm just much more likely to keep it all to myself or share it with a journal. Human interaction gives me the heebie-jeebies sometimes.

I think first and foremost I need to address my current methods and intentions. I ask numerous questions about what people want because I am genuinely invested in their well-being, and offering all that I can to please or help them is my way of showing that I care. I tend to not be able to let things go, because I feel the need to "make extra sure" everything is okay. Sarah, honey, your insecurity is showing.

My second biggest flaw in handling the whole "I love you" thing is that I find a way to accept responsibility for nearly everything. I am aware that this is absolutely bat-shit crazy insane behaviour for a lovely young lady such as myself, but I find a way to rationalize it every single time. The worst part is that I don't even hate myself that much. I actually think I'm a lovely young lady with a lot to offer the world. It's too bad I waste all of my energy on apologies and finding a way to tell everyone, essentially, "I'm the worst!"

Phew. It's all in a day's work, and it's tiring.

Besides learning how to differentiate between fantasy, evil-bad-Sarah world and reality, and taking way less care of other adults, I need to learn how to become a sensational conversationalist. Or at least just tell people what I'm thinking some of the time (because we all know that setting absurd goals will almost definitely end in failure). Why the hell don't I make someone else's eyes sparkle and tear up by talking about my dreams? I'm important, too.

This is the good part! I would share virtual popcorn if I could, but I'm too lazy to even Google a picture. Insert imaginary or real popcorn here (I won't even be offended if you stop reading, get up, and pop some for yourself. Just come back, please!).

I want to tell you all about who I am and who I want to be.

I am a genuinely nice person. Sometimes I am too nice, to a fault: I will allow myself to be stepped on because I think being polite and hurt is sometimes better than being mean to make a point. I am going to stand up for myself more, because it's not okay for people who are doing wrong to not learn that their actions are hurting others or making others' lives more difficult. I don't have to be nice "no matter what." I usually have no problem speaking my mind, except when I'm confronted with a difficult situation in which I think my feelings are justified. I want to win back my strength in this area.

I'm too worried about whether or not I should speak on issues or topics I don't have much knowledge about. I usually operate strictly in a, "well, if I don't know, I shouldn't pretend I do" fashion. This means always admitting when I lack expertise in an area, which I always think of as a good thing. However, I can't learn from the conversations I don't have. If I always say, "I don't know," and don't try to speak, I'm no better or worse off than if I tried my best. I'm actually a pretty good and critical thinker, so there's no reason why I can't apply other principles to things I'm unfamiliar with. Some guy in Star Wars said something about trying and doing and not: you know. Important stuff like that. Plus, learning is great and you should all try it.

I'm a pessimist, and I'm in a perpetual state of worry, and my organs will probably explode because I rate everything that ever happens to me on a scale of 1-10 as a 10 (10 being "heart attack now, I can't breathe"). I have no professional diagnosis, but I wouldn't be surprised if I have some pretty serious anxiety problems. Maybe in 2015 I'll get a new doctor, who knows. But the point is that I need to alter my perspective of the world and what is going on around me. Even if the worst possible thing is happening, it will pass. I will pick up the pieces, and people will still love me, and life will eventually move on, or else adjust to any lasting effects. The world doesn't revolve around me, and not everything is the end of the world, and even the worst thing my amazing imagination could conjur up is not likely to occur. Those last two have become my mantra.

I'm a dreamer, and I do have a lot of ambition and things that I love. I don't think I like to talk about myself much because I don't think I'm that interesting and I don't want to seem arrogant. Okay, I realize that the people closest to me aren't going to get cheesed if I'm open with them. But it hurts me when people say they don't know me very well or think I really particularly care about things or that I don't know what I want out of life. I know it seems that way, and I didn't mean for it to be that way. I think about all of those things a lot and I feel like I have great answers to a lot of questions, I just get nervous when I'm put on the spot sometimes.

Are you ready for the paragraph of the century? I hope you kept some popcorn, because I'm about to compliment myself a whole bunch. It's going to be great.

I'm a creative person. I exercise this quality by noticing good designs and colour choices in all mediums of art, from page layouts to architecture. I can draw, paint, and use digital programs. I love to write almost more than anything in the world. I'm good at thinking critically, applying principles and concepts across a variety of areas, and recognizing patterns. I am improving my public speaking skills, and I know that soon I will be able to say that I am proud of how far I've come with this skill. (I'm actually already proud. All improvement is positive). I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for. I have a unique perspective and I'm not afraid to be honest, even if it is harsh, blunt, or difficult for others to hear. I'm absolutely full of love (seriously, I'm like an overripe peach. The one that dribbles down your chin; a beautiful mess).

A friend gave me my very own copy of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist for Christmas. It tells the beautiful story of a boy who realizes his Personal Legend (defined as "what you've always wanted to accomplish") and sets out on a journey to achieve it. Through his travels, he is tempted numerous times to simply give up and settle when things get too difficult. He has doubts and fears and wonders if it's actually worth some of the struggles he continues to encounter along the way. At one point, a prophet reveals what his future would look like if he didn't accomplish his goals, and it was a miserable existence. The main message is "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true." I'm not necessarily naive enough to believe in things simply happening, but I believe that when you exhaust all your efforts and stay the course, there is never any reason why you can't have the things you want. You don't have to settle.

There are things that I want to have someday. I am going to persevere until I have those things, and there is no stopping me. If things seem like they're not going well, there is always another way. How neat is that?

I'm going to love myself enough for 22 years worth, because I've been slacking. I'm going to be stronger in my mind and in my will. I'm going to change the way I see the world and what is happening around me, lest I die young from some stressed-related illness.

So without further ado, since I took a lot of your time if you read this start to finish, I will leave you with this:

be so alive + happy
everything is lovely
i love you so much.

Sarah
(who is currently wearing men's underwear).

"I love you, however; you hold me down."

I found a letter that said:

"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"

You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.

Save for a few of those late night episodes,

Missed opportunities, and "I Don't Cares,"

There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,

Just make sure you're not there.

This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..

I love you, however, 

You hold me down [x4]

You're the echoes of my everything,

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.

You're the laziness of afternoon,

You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.

How will I break the news to you? [x2]

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,

feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.

We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out. 

You hold me down [x4]

You're the echoes of my everything,

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.

You're the laziness of afternoon,

You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.

You're the leaky sink of sentiment,

You're the failed attempts I never could forget.

You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

How will I break the news to you? [x5]

The first time I heard this song, my brain tuned out the heartbreak. My ears picked up the compliments one lover may give to another, but refused to accept the pain that comes with loving someone at the wrong time or loving someone who is bad for you. I wanted it to be a love song that ended happily, even if I knew that wasn't the case. 

Every now and then I listen to this song on repeat a couple dozen times and feel myself wanting to cry until my face becomes physically sore. Because my life has improved so vastly over the recent year, my biggest fear is that someone I love would tell me that I hold them down. I know so many things that are wrong with me, and that isn't just insecurity speaking. I have an overactive imagination, to a fault. I sometimes live in a fantasy world where everything is worse than it truly is. I am so concerned with making things run smoothly that I will fuck up literally everything possible and more just trying to prevent the bad things from happening in the first place. I'm so afraid that anyone I've ever let in and allowed to love me will depart from my life with these exact sentiments: I love you, however; you hold me down. 

There is something great about being able to save yourself from unnecessary and avoidable sorrow. I admire people who are able to judge when something is not good for them any longer. I've done it before, and it's challenging, but everyone deserves to be around others who treat them with respect. I want the people in my life who are close to me to have that kind of skill and thought process when they find themselves faced with troubling relationships. I just never want to imagine that I'm the culprit, that I'm the person who is causing so much pain that my friendship is no longer providing a benefit that outweighs the cost. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to make anyone cry. 

I will be the first person to say that going into anything with a pessimistic view will certainly turn things sour. If I imagine that the worst possible thing is likely to happen, it will become true. I am a walking self-fulfilled prophecy, and I imagine that from the outside I seem like I hate to be happy, I just worry a lot. I react poorly to most things, good and bad. I'm working on my faults, but they still hurt other people. Going through the process of change doesn't guarantee there will be no more tears. There are always going to be more tears. 

None of this knowledge stops me from thinking, "what if someone is holding onto these thoughts? What if I'm toxic? What if someone wants to let me go, but doesn't know how to say it?" 

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, that make me seem sad when everything in the world is right. I'm afrraid I'm holding you down.