Sexuality & the Church

I was just pointed in the direction of Beca's blog post about modesty and the female body in Evangelical churches, and it really struck a chord with me. I cannot empathize with her in that all of my feelings related to weight and breast size are the exact same, but I can say that I share her feelings regarding the message that the church is sharing with young men and women relating to their sexuality is confusing and damaging.

It is already bad enough that many church leaders and parents in churches share little to no education regarding sex, sexuality, relationships, and self esteem with young people. I think that not coming from a family where I was brought up in the church offers me a unique perspective into many aspects of the sometimes wacky culture that arises from the Evangelical Baptist sect. I went to public elementary and high school, and I participated in all "sexual education" classes. In sixth grade, we learned about puberty. In ninth grade physical education, we had a classroom segment about sex, which included everything from STIs and contraceptive methods to abstinence. Every choice was presented, and we were educated. It was not biased, there was no hidden agenda. It was, "this is sex, this is life. Make informed choices." (Make informed choices is, like, my life's motto. I love to learn. It's bizarre to me that others would not possess a desire to make the most informed choices in their lives).

I went to a Bible college for a few years recently. I discovered that mostly every person who grew up in the church was not educated in these areas; in fact, in many cases they were completely ignored. I got into an argument with a girl who was older than me about birth control pills, because she was told they killed babies: the egg was already fertilized and that taking regular old birth control pills would "kill" that potential child. How can a 23 year old woman not realize what birth control even does to one's body? I should have guessed by the size of her Dutch Reformed family that they didn't believe in birth control.

Many other young women I talked to, those who were not homeschooled, were pulled out of any education relating to sex or sexuality at the request of their parents. Many of these parents simply removed them from that classroom time in a loving and valiant attempt to not have their child's mind messed with by the secular world's ideals. In the odd, religous way, they had their child's best interest at heart. But I would have thought that this meant they wanted to teach the child those things in their own words, in the comfort of home, where the child could ask questions of their parents and get a good answer. This is not what happens. They are separated from the public's education systems regarding these real life issues and then the topic is not approached again.

I have met some severely scarred young men and women who have an extremely unhealthy view of relationships and sex. I believe that the lack of education and the choice not to speak openly about these topics in the church and at home is having a serious and negative impact. I have met girls who were not allowed to talk to boys or date them, and as soon as they got to Bible college, they thought the first boy they started dating would be their husband. Many people that I have asked believe that dating is not about getting to know someone, it's about choosing whether or not to be married before the dating starts. Sexuality is ignored or surpressed and made to be the evil desires of the flesh, and yet when one marries, a magical switch is flipped and the light turns green for "go." But after years of being told that it is bad and sinful, though it isn't in the circumstances, sex becomes a problem. Who can you ask? Certainly not the parents who chose to act like sex wasn't real and wouldn't someday affect their child, and certainly not pastors and youth leaders, who do much of the same.

Regarding Becca's situation about modesty, it is really just a further extension of the shame we unnecessarily bring to our bodies. I understand that Scritpure says our bodies are living sacrifices, and the flesh is sinful, and we are to be set apart from the world. I do not think that throwing a little blanket around our human nature, the way that we grow up, our very psychology and biology, is doing good. The pain and confusion far outweighs the positive in my experience. I know that parents and churches have good intentions, but the method is seriously flawed. I wish more people had an integrated view of science and faith, because if I am continued to be told that education is not a part of living for God and making informed choices, I don't know how to stay in this place. I don't know how to live a life where I cannot learn or teach others. I cannot live in a world that shuts itself away from the things that are hard or that cannot be agreed on. Life is challenge, life is choices, life means using the brain power we were given. I don't understand how someone can be a youth leader or pastor and want to invest in young people and advocate love and kindness and patience, and yet purposely shame and guilt the very people they are trying to love. Love is not self-hate.

April 12, 2013

I don't know what happened at all in the past semester. I can hardly think about it at all. I only remember crying so hard I made myself physically sick. I only remember laying awake for days only to sleep twice as many days away. I only remember pushing every person away, convinced that no one understood. I only remember feeling frustrated that I had to start my life over. I only remember wanting to put whatever love was left in me into something but not being able to figure out what that could possibly be. I only remember thinking about me.

The beginning was easier. I feel backwards because of that. Time is supposed to heal wounds, but somehow the beginning was easier. The only thing I had on my mind was, this is a tragedy, this is pain, I need God. It was easy. Go through the motions. But living, being a person in relationships and having to go to school and work and talk to people, that was hard. I lost it. I'm still losing it. I only remember constantly being on the verge of failure in every single thing I attempted.

I wish I hadn't wallowed. I wish I didn't still hate myself. I wish I had been able to think deeply on the things that I wanted to become and change and I wish I had been more obviously thankful for the love I've been shown. I guess this is my apology.

I have said a lot of words to a lot of people. These days I am a walking contradiction. I spill my guts to get "the best" advice. I really just want someone to tell me what to do sometimes. Other times, I know I'll never listen to what you all say. I used to prefer being a mystery because it meant that I was my own security blanket. I knew, and that's all I needed. I talk too much. I'm afraid no one will understand the things I do solely because of my big mouth. If you love me, I hope it's more than tolerance. I hope we'll be okay. I hope we can rejoice.