I don't know what happened at all in the past semester. I can hardly think about it at all. I only remember crying so hard I made myself physically sick. I only remember laying awake for days only to sleep twice as many days away. I only remember pushing every person away, convinced that no one understood. I only remember feeling frustrated that I had to start my life over. I only remember wanting to put whatever love was left in me into something but not being able to figure out what that could possibly be. I only remember thinking about me.
The beginning was easier. I feel backwards because of that. Time is supposed to heal wounds, but somehow the beginning was easier. The only thing I had on my mind was, this is a tragedy, this is pain, I need God. It was easy. Go through the motions. But living, being a person in relationships and having to go to school and work and talk to people, that was hard. I lost it. I'm still losing it. I only remember constantly being on the verge of failure in every single thing I attempted.
I wish I hadn't wallowed. I wish I didn't still hate myself. I wish I had been able to think deeply on the things that I wanted to become and change and I wish I had been more obviously thankful for the love I've been shown. I guess this is my apology.
I have said a lot of words to a lot of people. These days I am a walking contradiction. I spill my guts to get "the best" advice. I really just want someone to tell me what to do sometimes. Other times, I know I'll never listen to what you all say. I used to prefer being a mystery because it meant that I was my own security blanket. I knew, and that's all I needed. I talk too much. I'm afraid no one will understand the things I do solely because of my big mouth. If you love me, I hope it's more than tolerance. I hope we'll be okay. I hope we can rejoice.
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