Where I'm going with my life - since you've asked

Today I felt an overwhelming urge to write on this blog. This is a place I had high hopes for, because I do love writing. I love it when it's happening, I love the feeling I get after completing something and believing I articulated my heart of hearts clearly and accurately, I love wandering back and reopening my wounds (I am a bit of a sadist, afterall). So I did the self destruction thing today. I was recently informed that my writing here has been beneficial to some poor, beautiful soul, and I was curious about where my heart has been the past couple years. I deleted only two posts because I was disgusted at my word choices and the ideas that I was putting forth under my name. I am honest, this is my life and the inner workings of my mind, and as difficult as it can be to embarrass me, there were some things that made me groan. I don't doubt they were a part of who and where I was at the time, but I don't want to see those words again. They served their purpose. This place will change because, as nice as it is to keep looking back and learning from my mistakes, sometimes a girl just has to remove all traces of her past.

Anyone who reads the relatively empty pages of this blog will likely spot the transition in worldviews and the challenges that have come with that. I wish I could be glib, but I know of no other way to explain what has been going than to come out and say it. I don't think I can any longer identify as a Christian: in person, on social media, in the world and society I live and work in and contribute to. I don't have the desire to call myself someone who believes that a (the one and only) good god created the world, did a bunch of weird stuff intermittently with his creation, sent his son (himself) to die for everybody in the world, and that everybody who follows this will go to heaven just so they can keep on following and loving him forever.

I do love and whole-heartedly support the notion that people should crave justice for those who do not have it and lack the resources or position in their life to get it. I do think people should go out in their community, donate their time and money if possible, and strive to be charitable and hospitable. I desperately want to be a kind and compassionate person. I value patience and goodness and all of the things that most human beings, regardless of their religion or lack thereof, are raised to believe in. I try my best to be respectful of my environment and peers, and I want to follow the law. I don't want to be violent or dishonest in dealing with my problems. These are very basic things that are in Scripture. These are all things that Christians try to work into their lives. They are important. They are universal.

I just do not think people should be judged or punished for believing something different. I do not think I am better than anyone because I abstain from certain substances or activities. I do not perpetuate the ridiculous notion that I can "hate a sin, yet love the sinner." I refuse to invalidate a love or marriage based on the gender identity or sexual orientation of the participants. I do not want a church-run state. I am a feminist. I have sex and I love it. I drink sometimes. I love to educate myself about as many things as possible, and I believe that censorship in the way of knowledge of the world we live in is detrimental.

Some of the things I was and did believe as I was figuring out where I stood could still fit into the Christian belief. Some of the grey areas, like whether or not consuming some alcohol is acceptable, did not change the core, defining aspects of what would still make me "eligible" to proudly stick an Ichthys on my bumper. I wrestled with this over the past few months, desperately seeking somewhere I belonged. Am I still a part of this community if I am sexually liberated and do not want to get married at 18? What if I am career driven and do not want to be a mother? I like beer, is that okay? But the same things constantly came up: Why do I care about doing things I like if I believe that my old self is dead, and why am I not living the way that everybody else does? Is liking things wrong? It sure sounds like it. Shouldn't I be changed? Shouldn't I have stopped wanting to do what I want, and live a life that follows Christ? I had answers, I spit them out and knew all the right things to say to look good on the outside. Inside, however, was a constant state of disturbance, confusion, and uncertainity. I always felt like I was betraying myself and would never be good enough at the whole god thing. I didn't talk like everybody else. I didn't feel comfortable even attempting. The two sides of myself, "faking-it-to-make-it," and trying to be the most true to myself were in direct opposition. What do I really believe about the world?

Things just seemed to unravel in the realm of logic after that. There have been innumerable circumstances and experiences inbetween, "I can do this god thing on my own, just with me and god, he is helping me get through the hard bits, I believe this" and wherever it is I am now. These things coloured the way I saw the church and myself, my own faith and religion as a whole. The way people treat anyone who goes through a change in faith or beliefs is appalling to me, and I've seen it happen with people I care about. I am not currently trying to be a vehement atheist and throw daggers at anyone who believes in or loves god. That is not my goal, nor my desire. I know people who believe the gospel and live out their faith admirably and they are intellectuals, they are well-educated, they enjoy things that I enjoy, I get along with them swimmingly. I do not think that Christians are weak or stupid. I don't think poorly of anyone who is different, and that is the kind of person I will always want to strive to be. I want to care about people on an individual basis whenever I can, the best that I can.

Anyone reading this who feels betrayed, anyone who is thinking, "that girl was so involved at church! She was so involved at Bible college! I really loved and trusted her and cared about her," there is something I desperately want to say. If you feel badly about "where I am going with my life," I am going to be deeply hurt and disappointed in your reaction because, simply put, it reinforces the negative feelings I have towards the Christian community and culture. That anyone would pity me or feel angry or think, "what a shame," because I am being myself, learning and growing, and making steps towards being a happy and healthy human being breaks my heart. You cannot insinuate that you can no longer care about me and love and trust me because I am having doubts and pursuing other things. I do not say this because my intention is to, in turn, make you feel guilty. I just don't need pity for existing the way that I do, no matter how different it is from what you are used to. I am not a worse person morally because I have made public my view on certain things instead of keeping it in so as not to cause controversy. I am not less worthy of your time or our existing relationship because I am made happy by things that you do not believe are fulfilling. In the end, I am not really any different than who I was before.

I am torn, broken at all kinds of odd angles, and leaving my heart open to all of you right now. I am so sorry for any negative feelings you may have felt or are currently feeling regarding my character or life choices. I feel like I shouldn't have to say anything like this, but anyone who knows me will realize that it would be impossible for me not to choke out a few hundred apologies. I want to be a stronger person and not apologize for being honest about what I believe and what is going on with my life, but I can't do it for some reason. I know people will be upset with me, and that is one of the very things I have grown exhausted of. A great number of people who are not me have concerned themselves with whom I keep company, where I am going (on a daily basis or after I am dead), what I say and what I consume. I am capable of and have the capacity to love others and be happy. I will not hear anything about things in the "secular world" having a negative impact on my life, because everything I have done and learned and expressed and worked through these past few months have made me happier and more stable mentally and emotionally. I have no use for pity.

It is very important to me that others understand how much of this decision (or realization or learning experience, whatever you want to call it) is truly mine. I will say it once: this was all my choice. Perhaps the most devastating realization while grappling with all of this is that the beginning of my journey of faith was likely not because I saw god's face in a dream or prayed and felt a presence or truly felt moved to serve a being who died on my behalf. I think about it now and I like the idea of it, it is a narrative that grips your emotions and inspires a response, and it is a very lovely thought. It doesn't make sense to me anymore, I don't believe much of it, but I know why some people can. I don't know how to admit to how emotion-driven my dive into Christianity was. It was a very easy thing for me to hear about, decide it made sense, and then go through the motions. I grew up with no answers, and Christianity seemed to have them. I can't even say I was motivated by a fear of everlasting pain and despair brought on by not following Christ. I cared about someone who cared about god. I believed in a relationship with another person enough to allow myself to be molded into a Christianity-shaped box. I didn't question too many things, I believed in an integrated view of science and religion, I fit in relatively well and most people were nice and inclusive. I was young and impressionable. It made me feel good until it didn't and I had more questions than answers. I have a suspicion about what people are thinking. I will hear the words, "I told you so." I may make someone else's life more challenging for a time because they may be blamed for me having  been "lead astray." Maybe in a couple years I will read this and realize how wrong I was. I don't think I will, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be more informed about a myriad of things. I want to seek that out. I don't know what the future holds, but I have done the work in my life now and I know where I stand and what I don't believe. I will never stop learning and asking questions.

I believe that doubt and uncertainity are important aspects of a person's faith and philosophy and journey through life. I've learned a lot about critical thinking lately. I think you can be like me, in a position where you are unsure about very important parts of your life and you can still come out a strong believer in whatever it is you believe. If it were someone else, perhaps they would have the difficult questions and experience dreadful things and do a whole lot of soul-searching and still end up believing the gospel with all their strength, all their soul, and all their might. This just hasn't been the case for me. It is not without pain and sorrow, this conclusion I've come to. I am terrified that everyone I love and that has loved me, as a "fellow believer," will dislike me and say less than positive things about me. I am afraid I will still be viewed as too impressionable and unable to do what I want. I don't want to lose something that has been a part of my life, no matter how much I don't believe it. It has put a lot of good into my life and shaped who I am, but it is not where I find my identity now.

I don't know how to end this at all. I am shaking at the thought of going through with this, with pressing a button that will essentially turn me into a liar and a heathen to some of you. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I should feel so intimidated by publishing my "deepest, darkest secrets" (which aren't even that dark at all). Shame and fear, my friends.

I still love you all and hope you can feel the same towards me.