If anyone reading knows anything about my comings and goings, you will know that I recently wrote my first blog for Hashtag Hope. A little background information: it is a not-for-profit organization that seeks to offer a little bit of encouragement and remove the stigma from suffering in silence. For the most part, the writers and creators are Christian. The tone in their blogs and most of what they do reflects this quite strongly. Naturally, with me not being a Christian, I worried about being a part of the blogging team. Most people want to hear that their hope lies in Christ. What do I have to offer? I opted to write honestly and passionately about these very fears. I thought it would be a good way to set the stage for who I am and how I write. I was not going to lie and incorporate Jesus into my writing for the sake of others. And because my "deconversion" is still a fresh wound, it took a lot of courage to write what I did and address my issue of not fitting into that world any longer.
Quite ironically, someone commented on the very things that I was trying to avoid. The purpose of my blog post was twofold - one, to share how I've grown and am looking for meaning in my life. I offered hope and encouragement. That is the requirement to write for Hashtag Hope. It has to come back to something positive in the end. But the other purpose was for myself, in a sense. In writing my exact thoughts down and sharing them with an audience, I feel like I freed this part of me that was going to continue to apologize for my own existence until the end of time. I don't have to apologize for who I am when I am not hurting anyone. I was being myself, which was a huge theme in what I wrote, and I was offering my side of the story. People appreciated it. Most people appreciated it.
The majority of the one negative comment addressed how they thought I was selfish. Phrases like, "no wonder you're depressed: you only care about yourself," "Really? Everything was good about Hashtag Hope until this post," "you say you 'tried faith,' but I really question whether you 'tried' at all," still flash past my eyes like some sort of bizarre marquee. The majority of what was said hinged on judgment by Christian standards - which is what I want to write about briefly here.
I did the chuch thing. I studied the Bible. I read it front to back a couple times. I took courses on it. Theology is interesting to me. And if someone wants to believe I didn't try hard enough to actually believe it and live it, that's fine. I can accept that. What I won't accept is that someone, anyone can believe that telling another person what they believe or whether they "tried hard enough" is acceptable behaviour, in any circumstance. Specifically in this context, it's not something you're supposed to do. It's not up to a faith-professing person to tell someone else where their heart is, or whether or not they are right with god. It's like sneering at someone and saying, "you're not even saved, because you did X." If I were a Christian still and saying things like, "loving yourself is important, you should love yourself" and you believed Christ asked us to practice self-abnegation, you still shouldn't be able to decide whether or not I'm a "real" Christian in good conscience. This is addressed numerous places in Scripture, but for this purpose I'll refer briefly to Romans 14 and judging the "weaker" brother.
"Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
5 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6
...
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another."
You probably know the gist of this one. If you have disputes within your faith or various denominations, unless it's a super important detail and not just a preference, it doesn't really need to drive a wedge between believers. You don't need to judge someone for the small stuff and whine because not every believer is the exact same as you. This is all relevant if I had done something that was perceived as "against" my worldview, if I were still a part of the church.
It's an entirely different story to use what happened in this case, considering my current feelings about religion. Again, countless times in Scripture it is clear that it's not the Christian's job to hold "non-believers" to the exact same standard. 1 Corinthians 5:12: "For what business have I to judge outsiders? Judge the insiders."
I want to be clear that I am not writing this because my feelings are hurt and I am seeking revenge or further confrontation. I merely think it's important for people to understand the implications of their faith if they profess to believe something like the Bible. If you believe that it is a guide book for how you are meant to live out your faith and serve god, please don't pick and choose what parts are important to follow and which ones can be thrown on the back burner because of your own self-righteouness. My problem with the comment was not that I was insulted. My problem was that it didn't make sense. To summarize, I was judged by Christian standands, something which I am not. I was made to feel as though my experience was invalid because someone else leads a differently life and has a varied opinion. I was told that I never tried hard enough to be a real Christian.
I would advise that we first take the log out of our own eyes lest we become hypocrites and judge others for things we aren't even meant to be judging.
I do not identify as a Christian. I am a writer for Hashtag Hope because I care about the same things that the other writers and creators of the organization do. I want to reach people with a message of hope and share my thoughts and experiences. I am not going to be the exact same as someone else. I am not going to live to please everyone else. I have my own philosophy that I am currently shaping and refining every day. I have struggles of my own. I am a person, just like everyone else. I believe in free speech, and so I do appreciate that commentor sharing what they believe. If I am free to share how I feel, so everyone else must be able to. But it has to go both ways. I will not be silenced because one person may have wanted that or was possibly offended by my words.
I recognize that I am going to constantly battle the people who are on the other side of the fence, the side that I left behind. I still see you as equals and I try my best to interact with and love people as individuals. I would appreciate the same. I do not take kindly to be judged as an immoral person strictly because I am not going to mention Jesus at all times. I accept that I will not always be liked for who I am, and that I will not be able to be something good for every person. I just want to be true to myself and if I can help another poor soul along the way, that's more than enough joy for me.
Thanks again to anyone who reads this. I hope I didn't sound harsh at all, because in my head it's all quite cool and composed. I really think all people should evaluate what they say and believe, and not just once. It's a constant thing, a lifelong endeavour.
Happy thinking, friends.
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