What happened to us?

Writing this was not my intention when I sat down at my computer this evening. I actually wanted to play the Elder Scrolls Online, but I haven't for a few weeks and so I regret to say that it's updating: very slowly. Naturally, I lit a candle (candles make everything automatically at least sixty percent sexier). Then, like the boring 22 year old that I am, I hopped on Facebook to scroll until something mildly interesting caught my eye. And what should appear, shared by multiple people on my friend list, but this article titled 71 Reasons Why We're All F*cking Single. Couple that with my recent read of The Death of Adulthood in American Culture, and I came to a realization of sorts. It's not that I didn't notice before, but it became all too clear to ignore any longer that we are all very sad and very pathetic people when it comes to "growing up."

We've all seen the Tumblr text posts about being socially awkward and single. We laugh and we see ourselves in those words, those miniature stories, but we don't see the problem. We reblog and revel in our shared immaturity, our delight in never growing up. We'd rather watch Netflix and never change our clothes, leave the house, or get a job, than be met with the possibility that we might have to do something difficult. We concern ourselves with knowledge and topics that are so pointless and fleeting, and then we wonder why older generations look at us as lazy. We do everything that warrants the comments we hate, but we think everyone else is the problem and refuse to look at what we can change. People haven't heard of certain timeless authors, or other famous contributors to society as we know it - but we sure as hell know who's going to be on our fantasy football team, every new feature of the newest iPhone, what Ryan Gosling named his gosling, and every minute detail of the should-be-private going on's of the Duggar family.

"We’re worried about shattered iPhones more than ruined relationships. We don’t need to go out to movies when we have Netflix. We don’t need anyone because we’re perfectly content with ourselves."  ('71 Reasons' article)

Exact- wait, what? Why doesn't this bother anyone? Why should we be content with ourselves when we're basically all Homer Simpson? Don't we laugh at his character because he is someone who can't possibly exist? Maybe we all used to know a lazy person or two, but Homer was funny because it was always so exaggerated. But today, there is always someplace to be my Moe's, Boneshaker to be my Duff, and I honest to goodness feel like I'm getting dumber each day. I don't have to develop my social skills, because I bring my phone to the dinner table and answer any question from another human with the bare minimum, hardly looking away from Twitter or whatever else tickles my fancy. I don't read challenging material and learn anything, because I'm content with The Hunger Games and Divergent. I don't talk about the challenging themes in good films because I've only watched Frozen at least once every week since it came out.

Who, or what, can we blame? Technology? We're beyond blessed to have access to the information that we do, bcause there was a time when the family you were born into would dictate whether or not you had access to any education whatsoever. People are so amazing, don't you see? We invented ways to write things down, the printing press, the education system. We're creative and we've progressed so far. Now I just feel like we're taking innumerable steps back. Did we look at all of these things, shrug our shoulders and say, "oh, well, it's all already been done"? "Might as well sit back and just fucking cruise"?

If we take articles like 71 Reasons and the numerous other similar articles on sites like ThoughtCatalog, Huffington Post, Jezebel, EliteDaily, etc. seriously, like a lot of people do, we perpetuate the notion that people are supposed to remain childish. That you can keep living at home, that you don't have to work, that you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. And while we may each be free to choose that life for ourselves, when did it become the ideal? Where is the drive, the independence, the passion, the desire for more for ourselves?

What is it that happens? When did "adult" become a curse word or insult? I've experienced it myself - you spend this number of years waiting to get to a certain age or stage of life, because you believe it will be the point where things get better. You can drive, you can drink, you can have your own place. You can do so much more than you once could, but it's always about something that's supposed to be coming next. And then somewhere along the path, we get - what? Complacent? Lazy? Unmotivated? All of the above? We get our parents to pay for our classes that we don't go to, and we don't work, and we bury ourselves deeper into our childhoods that we miss so dearly for some bizarre reason. To be entirely honest with all of you, I'm beyond embarrassed that I was formerly a baby. I dream of the day where I don't have debt, I don't have an excuse to sit around because I'm "just a student," and I don't have to share a space with people I don't necessarily want to be around other than to conveniently share the cost of rent.

I don't know what to do. I don't think there is only one way for people to live their lives, so I want to clear that I don't want to discount the choice that some people are making to not "settle down." But do I really believe we can defend our "reasons" for remaining children, albeit in slightly bigger clothing than we used to wear? No, I don't think it's enough to simply say, "because taking responsibility for the things that I have chosen as someone who is capable of abstract thought is totally lame." Freedom and responsbility, my friends; because if you're going to say that you're single for reasons like "no one wants to use a condom," and "you drink too much..." you better be ready to take accept the consequences. I don't believe  there is anything wrong with a bit of selfishness (see: Ayn Rand), but the brand we've developed is not the kind that I believe should be excused the way it has been.

i'm terrible at loving people

i don't typically lack empathy, but i am not a very compassionate person. when i was vegetarian, it wasn't because i thought animals were too cute to consume. i actually hate animals. i never want another pet in my life, if i can help it. i hate the sound of children crying. i really just hate children in general. i've tried to love and care for people with low self esteem, compulsions to self-mutilate, and feelings of anxiety. these are all vices i possess myself, but know that i can't even love me: how could i ever love someone who makes me feels like i'm looking into a darkened mirror? or is the room the mirror is in well-lit, so i canclearly see the outline and details of every single thing i hate? i've been the honest and blunt person before. i've been the friend people come to for advice. i've been the model girlfriend in a long-standing relationship, the people everyone said, "aw, you two are perfect for each other!" to. but remember, there's always so much more to someone than they reveal in the public. there's so much you don't see.

i'm not good. i'm terrible at loving anyone or anything.

if you ever hear the expression, "you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself first," it's not a tired cliche. it's one of the truest things i've experienced. when you obsess over everything - from how big of a deal something is, to apologizing for things that aren't your fault, to imagining every worst possible outcome of a situation - you have nothing good to offer the people who love you. every opportunity you've had to make someone else happy is consumed by your obsession with yourself and how you feel. you feel bad, you feel evil, you feel like a shitty person. you feel like you messed up, you feel like things can't get any better, you feel hurt by your own mistakes. what about them?

maybe i'm worse at being empathetic than i first evaluated.

the worst part is that my concern with my own feelings isn't arrogance, at least not in the narcissistic way we're used to thinking the meaning of the word is, it's not that i'm over here thinking about how important i am. nothing about it is positive. but the very fact that i can't see past how badly i feel about pretty much my entire existence puts up a huge roadblock in any relationships i have: especially the closest ones. i used to think i had a good handle on my emotions, but i've realized more recently that i have no clue how to be an emotionally healthy human being. i used to feel like my privacy was invaded when people wanted me to be honest about what i was thinking and feeling, but any time i've been asked in the past - what if i had answered? what if i had given those things the time of day and worked on it, so that when it really mattered like it does now, i would be prepared? people always say practice makes perfect, but what the hell have i been doing? what if people really do just love me and want to be a part of my life, instead of having to halt at a sheet of glass between our hearts, holding their palms to it and looking in with pain and longing every time they want to get closer?

i've been angry with anyone who's ever said to me that i am a liar because i hold my feelings inside, locked up with the key thrown away. i usually just say, cheekily, "it's not lying, i just didn't say anything." see, i thought lying meant i said something that wasn't true. but by not saying a word, i've essentially said that everything is okay, when in reality most times it isn't - not one bit. i'm the girl who cries herself to sleep. i'm the girl who becomes irrational and can't explain why i'm angry. i'm the girl who holds onto everything and dumps it on you later. i'm the girl you really don't want to love, because it's a chore. it's a burden. it's cumbersome. you choose it, and i never know why, because i can't see anything good in myself. i see a liar and someone who is bad at giving any love back.

how do you love a person?

my ways are hallmarked by inconsistencies. my methods are likely seen as too small, too trivial. i think of people i love and i let them know. honestly, i will bring you a coffee or a sandwich every day. i hold tight and i never want to let go. i always give you my time. but when it comes down to the hard stuff, what really matters, i need all the help i can get. and most people who have tried to love me have the same criticism - i never seem happy. why would anyone want to bother with someone who seems like they can never be pleased?

gosh, sometimes i feel like i will burst with the amount of love i feel for some people. if i could wish on a shooting star, or pray to a god that truly exists, or own the monkey's paw, i'd ask to learn how to love. my ways aren't enough. the words get jumbled, the negative emotions i can't control come out, and the only thing i feel like i can do is press my hands or body close enough and hope that my love jumps across my skin to theirs. i'm not good at a lot of things, but i can get over that. i want desperately to be better at this one thing, because sometimes i really feel like my life depends on it. i would die penniless, but i wouldn't want to die without learning first how to love the people i do.

can this be the last night someone says to me, "i just worry if you do love me"? because i do, hell, i love you more than i love myself. that much is apparent. and maybe i had to write this out just to remind myself once again that i need to do that, i need to love me, too.

i don't believe much about the bible, but if i had to pick one thing, it's what love is. love is about being patient and kind, not holding onto what others do wrong to you. it's about forgiveness and not being angry without reason and not purposely hurting others. it's about promising to protect, trust, hope, and persevere. and it's always a choice. those who have ever chosen to love me? gosh, you're brave: but, thank you. you're teaching me every day how to improve.

breathe

*okay so this is meant to be a spoken word poem type of deal. It sounds way better when I say it out loud to myself and put the emphasis in the right spots. I might make a video of me reading it soon because for a 3am jumble of emotions, it turned out okay.*

breathe
ten seconds
that's all you need
because when you don't hold your breath,
words all go to your head
and you're dizzy that the thought of everything he said
just won't sink in, he's your linchpin
and now what if he goes?
now you're blinking back tears, incoherent
no self-esteem, you're already screaming
heart aching
so you stare at the wall, all sprawled out on his bed
you want to go home but so much would be left unsaid
oh god, can he feel it?
the love that you possess, like it can be passed
from your fingertip to his collarbone
it's so real and you hope to some god that it's known
it's all you want and you know without a doubt
hurting him, which you do, is the worst pain you've ever felt
but you've done worse, and you always do
every apology drags you deeper into an abyss
and you can't miss the fact that you've done this before
someone else you used to adore
and the same things keep coming up
"if you don't shape up, we'll break up
try harder, speak more, remember to breathe
listen to me"
something has to be wrong with you
it's like deja vu
and you used to play the card that goes
"it's not you, it's got to be me"
now you finally see, it has to be true
this is too close for comfort
you overexert but then again so does he
you feel like you can never win
you just need more discipline
god you're so fucking angry
"does he hate me?"
because he thinks you hate him
which is grim to think because you'd rather be dead
than break his stupid heart a second time
so sublime has your time together been
you don't want it to end over something so trivial
but it will, unless your bullshit becomes null
the next time you want to yell, take a second to dwell
on the reality that he loves you endlessly
he's honestly the best thing to happen in your life
and your anger is a knife cutting away every good thing
and your words, they sting and they're so rife
so remember to breathe instead of seething
let him feel your love and don't shove him away
ten seconds is all you need to convey
that you care and you swear you'll remember to breathe