The laundry is not the issue

 "You don't have to do all that laundry, you know. I can help out."

Stomp. Feel voice raising. Fucking do it anyway. "I had to do this laundry, right now, because I don't have any work clothes left AT ALL." Feel the anger rolling off my shoulders, fingertips, tongue, feel tears stinging the back of my eyelids and I regret it all instantly. The tone. The response to someone offering to lighten my burden. 

Yeah, I'm not normal. 

He lets me cry and go to him, apologizing through my tears. "I'm sorry, that was not the right way to speak when you were trying to help me." He knows I'm trying. For some reason, he accepts my apology. I feel I don't deserve it. 

I've been exploring a couple of angles over the past day. My therapist offered some information on types of anger expression, a psychological and emotional abuse pattern, and negative, self-blaming talk. I'm looking into anger management strategies on my own. My anger is aggressive because I use volume and tone to kind of.. just get my feelings across and get people off my back, I think, ultimately. THIS MAKES ME FEEL SO MAD! I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THAT I AM SO FUCKING MAD. OVER LAUNDRY. LEAVE ME ALONE. 

Every assessment says I need anger management help, like, yesterday. 

It's Friday morning and I'm not working the next two days, so at the end of the day, I could wear something not soiled a second time and move on. I'm not angry he didn't do laundry. I'm angry I don't have time for errands or for myself. Instead of finding a way to manage my time or communicating that our differing schedules means yes, I would appreciate him doing some laundry one evening.. I am aggressive. What I mean in my heart of hearts is more along the lines of "this is the best time for me to do it, and the drawers are getting pretty empty! I don't mind to do it because it's a load of my work clothes." With a neutral, hell, even positive tone of voice. Because it's not the god-awful hour that I'm up running errands that bothers me, and it's not that I think he's lazy, I think I'm just mad at myself. Who lets all the clothes get piled up like that? Why can't I run this household? Why don't I accept help? Why don't I even ask? Ding ding ding, negative self-talk. 

So. What am I learning here?

• Anger is a normal response to situations. The way anger is expressed has to be assertive to be healthy, not aggressive or passive.
• I blame and feel hate for myself very often. 
• Psychological abuse includes attacking someone else's self-esteem, and my way is usually by looking down on the other person and treating them like they are stupid, like they don't understand my situation, and treating them like a child. Origin may be because I'm angry with myself, and I don't know how to address that yet, so I take it out elsewhere. Again, aggressively.
• Another form of psychological abuse I employ is refusing to acknowledge a problem that the other person feels is important. I addressed this yesterday with my person. One thing I do almost every time without failure is minimize their experience of my outburst or tone of voice or content of my message, and argue that I didn't say it that way. I have to remember that I am listening to someone who is here of their own choice, who loves me, who is not manipulating or tricking me in any way. They are simply sharing how I made them feel. To brush that off and begin an argument undermines them as a human being with emotions and responses to experiences is selfish and disrespectful of me. I need to really listen, and pump the brakes and apologize. 

I have a notebook where I'm starting to self-monitor my anger. I write the situation, what angry thought I'm having, how it makes me feel, and what I do to respond. I'm looking for a pattern to hopefully help tackle this thing. 

It is painful, unearthing the beast inside me and looking into its eyes for the first time.