The Right Place at the Right Time

I feel like I've had a pretty trying summer.

I finished my Health, Wellness, and Fitness diploma. As much as I felt successful for completing it, I didn't know what to do next. Every job I applied for was entry level, and every entry level position was some bland flavour of sales. I finally managed to get a sales position at a gym, so as at least I didn't feel like my background knowledge would be wasted.

I loved many things about my job selling gym memberships. Most times, I felt like I was helping people. I was giving them something that they knew they wanted and needed, and when they didn't need too much convincing on the benefits of exercise and how it would change their life, then I was happy. Unfortunately for me, the nature of sales is not "they wanted it, they came to me, and so I gave it to them." My contentedness shattered when I couldn't keep up with my personal goals, let alone the club's goals. I began to feel less like I had something worth selling, and more like I was the equivalent of a telemarketer and the kid who jumps around outside Little Caesars, trying to get the attention of passersby. I didn't feel like a salesperson. I didn't feel like I could be good at selling.

I came to a crossroads of sorts. I had to make a decision: do I push myself, learn the skills, practice, and become a great seller? Do I change my perspective, try something new, see the position in a different light? Is my goal still to simply help others? Or should I throw the towel in and accept that some people do not have the gift of the glib?

Who was I, really?

A quitter? Someone who would succeed, no matter what?

I began to fervently apply for other jobs. I wanted to do something that wasn't related to sales, that didn't have a bunch of numbers and goals and quotas to meet. I wanted to be alone; I was worn out by the greetings and scripts and "peak attitude" I had to force myself to have every day. I started to apply for general labour positions, because I just wanted to work hard and keep to myself. I didn't want anything glamourous. I simply wanted to work.

I immediately received a call from a temporary staffing agency about a light general labour position. I was on my way to my job at the gym at the time. I made a joke about being on the road to the position I really didn't enjoy at all, and the man on the phone insisted I come by that morning so I could do something I wouldn't hate anymore. I shrugged it off, told him maybe I'd come to the interview, and went on my way, But I ended up at work early, and my heart was pounding, and I had a feeling I just couldn't shake. I explained to my manager that an emergency had come up - yes, I was dishonest, was I becoming a salesperson at long last? - and left to go see the man who had called me.

It started to pour rain, and I was sweating from my nerves and the humidity, and I was in my gym uniform (which isn't really interview attire, which you could probably guess). I looked and felt awful. But I showed up, announced myself as the girl who hated her job, and received huge smiles from the two men who greeted me. I was sat down with some tedious paperwork and we made small talk about my job and my morning. I was told someone would shortly take me to see the warehouse I'd be working in when the second man approached me. He asked me about my education and my five year plan. I mentioned my diploma and my plan to do something further in human resources and occupational health and safety. Corporate wellness is totally my jam.

"You're overqualified for these labour positions," he said without skipping a beat. "I have something else that is much better suited for you, if you'll give me a chance."

And that's how I was thrust into my new resource administrator position at a temporary staffing agency. I simply said I wanted to learn about human resources, and now I'm a human resource administrator. I literally qualify people for work, complete health and safety work and training with them, interview them, get them on the pay roll, and get them into work as smoothly as possible.

I woke up one morning, dreading the end of the month and the pressure of my sales position, and the next morning, I was sitting at my own desk, with my own work computer, frantically phoning and emailing and learning a whole new system - but I was happy.

The two positions have great similarities, if I'm honest - I don't get away from making a multitude of phone calls, booking appointments, having conversations, and servicing people. But I don't have to fret over nearly as many numbers. It's a lot less guilt tripping and telemarketing when you call someone who is desperate for work versus someone who maybe wants to try the gym for free but won't actually commit to a membership for a whole year. I'm learning a lot about the laws governing employment and employees and health and safety, and it's all very interesting. And at the end of the day, it's a business. I'm helping and teaching people, and I'm marketing, and I'm organizing a lot of data, and there's never really a dull moment. It's a cozy office. They're great people. I feel accomplished. I feel like I could really go somewhere in this role.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about how quickly things changed. I applied for a job, I answered a phone call, I went somewhere against my better judgment (against anyone's, really - when it all comes down to it, I lied and skipped work and left without much notice).

I guess there is such a thing as fate, as being in the right place at the right time.

Achieving goals

I remember being in my diploma program full-time this past year and thinking at one point, "if someone mentions 'SMART' goals one more time, I am going to make a point and actually drag a dead horse into this lecture hall and beat it in front of my professors." It was the moral of every story, the take-away from every lesson, the final question in every exam. How do you set a goal? How do you make sure you take the steps to achieve it? What are the barriers, pitfalls, and common mistakes? How can we ensure others' success when helping them set their goals?

I was sure I'd be able to literally do anything I wanted after my program. I was set for life. I could do anything.

But then I took a sales job in the health, wellness, and fitness industry and I was terrified of not achieving my goals. I even had a fancy mathematical formula that explained exactly what I needed to do in order to get what I wanted, and still I felt like I was staring into Death's face each time I walked into work. Yeah, I can't do this. I know I have my super specific goals laid out, and everything's measurable and attainable and realistic and has to be done by the end of the month, but damn.

So excuse me while I do a victory dance on this early morning on the 30th of this 31-day month of July, where I've already achieved my sales goal and gone ahead and made a new one for the next two days. The second of which I'm already very confident I can reach.

One thing I've had to come to terms with as a perfectionist is that you can't be good at something the first time you try it. I have unrealistic expectations whenever I attempt something, which leaves me unhappy, lacking confidence, feeling stupid, and a whole whack of other nasty things. Any normal person knows that "practice makes perfect" and that it takes time to learn. Well, goddamn, it took me long enough to learn that learning is a process. This whole paragraph is getting exhausting. The point is that I've been extremely hard on myself, which can be a huge barrier when it comes to self-improvement.

In the past, I've been a quitter. I've thought, "I'm not good at this and it's the first time.. so I should probably just stop doing it now and save everyone the trouble." The only person I end up harming with that decision is myself. Now, if you wanted to talk about things I'm really good at it, self-sabotage is the area of study where I've earned most of my achievements.

Setting goals is kind of the easy part, once you know how it's done. Sticking with the steps in between that will ensure your success, even when you fall off track.. that's the meat and potatoes of the whole thing. That's where you'll make or break the bank. That's where you really grow.

I guess the take-away here includes a few things:

a. if someone repeats something, it's probably important and worth listening to.
b. wanting something is only a small portion of the work involved in getting what you want.
c. learning takes effort and time.
d. I genuinely believe it's impossible to stay bad at something if you heed the advice mentioned in point "c." You will improve eventually.
e. failure doesn't have to be a negative experience.

okay, now you're ready to conquer that to-do list!

A New Perspective

I often write about my flaws and things I know about myself that I want to change. I periodically reassess and try to evaluate whether I've made much progess (sometimes I have to hang my head and whisper to myself, "if any"). One of my main goals lately has been to adopt a positive perspective. I question whether a comment or circumstance is worth truly worrying about and try to nip the "stressed out" status in the bud, allowing me cushion time to better filter and categorize what situations actually warrant my worry and concern. I've said stuff like this before; everything makes me jump around like a rabbit late for a very important date. I need to cut that out. It's a terrible way to live. 

Progress report: I think I'm doing and going to be okay. 

I met a guy today. He's bubbly and outgoing. He's always cracking jokes and laughing and complimenting whoever he speaks to. Even when someone is angry with him or a situation, he's empathetic and just does his best. He seems to operate on a "this is the present" mentality. No dwelling on the future or the past. All he has is what he currently has in front of him, and he tackles it with a "can-do" attitude. If something doesn't work perfectly, he doesn't get upset. He keeps smiling and keeps going.

I was in awe. I still am. I know I'm made of the same stuff as him and that I can eventually handle my life and interactions in the same way; it just never seems easy when you're on the other side. 

One situation, one conversation, one event at a time.. that's how I'm learning to be a little more care-free.

Sometimes I live in a fantasy world (on dream jobs)

Sometimes I find myself dreaming of a world where amazing things happen and my life is perfect. I am discovered for some talent or skill that I've showcased, and it's smooth sailing from that moment on because I'm young and learn quickly and we're all so connected. Fame and brains can coexist, and I'll love my job, and everyone will know my name.

Other times I fantasize about a revolution wherein the structure of "you need a degree to do X job" will dissolve and people will have the opportunity to prove their worth through more than crippling debt and sucking corporate dick to get somewhere, anywhere that isn't a dead end customer service or sales job. I don't want a job, I want a career. I don't want eleven dollars an hour and to be screamed at for nine hours every day because some obese wonder didn't get to eat her burger quick enough. I don't want to use my excellent communication skills to sell old ladies services and products they can't understand just because I want to be able to afford one million Sephora trips each month (and a new car). My life and the things I do are not going to be about money, but they sure as hell will be about who I am and what I can offer. And I'm in the business of doing something good for people.

I am sharp as a whip. I'm kind, in a "want some candy?" sort of way, without the white van. People like me, people like to talk to me, and people tell me I'm going to be able to do something big.

I want to research.
I want to solve problems.
I want to educate.
I want to listen.
I want to build something.
I want to create hope.

I can only do so much of this in an "entry level" job that high schoolers get hired to do. And I don't get to do any of it without money and time.

I didn't know what my "dream job" was until this year. TWENTY FIFTEEN. I've been thining about education and careers since the beginning of high school, and that's a long time . I'm in an embarrassing amount of debt. I have bills to pay and things I need to do. I don't get to do the things I know I would love and excel at simply because I didn't know that they existed until a couple of months ago.

First plan: nursing. Until I wasn't smart enough.
Second plan: follow a boy to Bible college (I guess "wife" is a profession).
Third plan: social work??????
Fourth plan: health/wellness, possibly personal training.
Fifth and final plan: human resources, corporate wellness, occupational health and safety.

The common thread is a desire to help. I like to think I'm personable, and passionate, and creative, and able to relate to people and listen to them and help them in any way I can. It took me so long to find a place, a position that exists where I can do those things. Solving problems, training, teaching about safety, improving stress levels and health and satisfaction and morale in people's jobs? Hella great stuff.

It's going to take me another year or so to get the education I need to be able to do something in HR. I'm dedicated to the cause; I'm very serious about it and I know it will take a lot of hard work doing something I might hate in order to get somewhere I will love. Don't misunderstand me here; I'm not trying to just complain and say the world is unfair. I think it is sometimes, but I also acknowledge my agency. I'm going to have do some shit I'm going to dislike, and I'm going to whine about how no one discovered my blog or Youtube or Twitch or whatever else, (why does everything always seem easier for everyone else?) but eventually I'll get where I'm going.

The point is that there are dreams where you might not ever get to do the things you DAYdream about. But there are other dreams that are possible, even if they seem really, really out of reach at the time. How much does it matter to you? What will you do to get it? What is your perspective?

Positivity and a good work ethic will go a long way.

Started from the bottom

Go back to fourth grade. The assignment is to read a level-appropriate book and get up in front of the class and summarize the plot. I choose Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I stand up when it's my turn, and stand there, beet-red for probably two minutes. though it feels more like a lifetime. Before I spontaneously combust, I decid to sit back down. Silently. I receive a failing grade, an incomplete.

Stay in and around fourth grade. Every winter, we do school speeches. No matter how much I practice, how confident I feel at home, how helpful my cue-cards are written, I still choke.

Stay around fourth grade a while longer (they really like to torture me, an otherwise A-grade student). I read Sammy Keyes and the Hotel Thief. I have a creative component to go with my oral presentation. I made a shoebox diorama. I don't speak, and I don't show anyone.

Go back to high school English class. I am doing a report on something I read. I am really excited to talk about The Blind Assassin. I get up, smile at the class, and say, "I think I'd rather fail than try and do this." I sit back down, everyone incredulous at how easily I let my usually-good grades slip by me.

Go back to second semester of my first year (and time) at college. A group of us are presenting on homosexuality in our culture. I am genuinely interested in talking to people about the topic. I stumble, say, "uhm" a lot, and frustrate myself for not being as articulate as I am when I write. But at least I speak.

Stay in college. I am doing a small handful of other presentations: most with others, one or two on my own. I alway miss an important discussion point or potential for dialogue. I think to myself, I should be able to speak my mind, why is it so hard?

Go back to about a year ago. I realize once I enrolled in another program at another college that I am going to have exams where I have to essentially "perform" tasks and showcase skills to my professors. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about having to explain what I learn in a "hands on" environment. I just want to write papers and read books. I don't want to speak. I know I won't be able to get across what I actually know and am capable of.

I really didn't want to speak, but I did. 

Go back a couple of weeks ago. Classmates are around me, asking last minute questions, going over scenarios with me and expressing their terror at having to do yet another practical exam.

I'm standing outside the examination room, my heart beating its steady badum, badum, badum. I'm being tested on my interviewing skills, my ability to be engaging and professional. I look the part. I know already exactly what I'm going to say.

I'm encouraging others to relax and plan their talking points, if they think it might help. I'm telling them it's just a conversation, something they do everyday. How did they meet me, engage me in conversation? The same way they're going to on this exam.

---

I'm the girl who used to freeze up and give up out of fear. I'm the girl who just didn't want to try. But look at me now; helping others, giving people advice. I can prepare material and talk in front of a group. Really, I can talk to anyone. I've come a really long way from the scared kid I used to be. We can always overcome our greatest fears.

Broken

I went to school today a bit early to have coffee and meet up with a good friend of mine. I asked her about her weekend, and heard how she's been going through a tough time. We ended up having a really amazing heart to heart.

We had to meet up and talk because I've been short with her lately. I find myself easy to anger, and I often speak out of turn. I wanted to apologize and let her into my world.

I've been trying for over a year to determine what has changed me. I know I wasn't always an angry person, someone who always overreacts. I also know that my bad reactions to seemingly insignificant things are not constant; sometimes it comes and goes, like a phase. I can have a bad couple of weeks or months, and then "improve," yet relapse again. I keep trying to pinpoint what went wrong. I keep beating myself up over not finding lasting change. I'm a vessel for worriedness and defensiveness.

I told her all of this. I told her all my fears. She told me things about herself, too. At one point, my friend looked at me with tears in her eyes. She told me a story about her abusive father."People just have so much baggage," she said softly at the end. "I think I'm broken. I think you're broken, too."

It's never easy to admit you need help. It's never easy to look at your life and take the things that hurt you and turn them into betterment. It's usually easier to lay it all out and use it as a way to explain why you are the way you are. I'm just not content to use my pain to explain away my actions.

I'm grateful to know people who listen to me, love me, and support me. I don't like where I am, but I am hopeful that I can grow out of it because I am loved.

Who knew? Sharing your heart, part III

I'm only a couple of years late with this one. Here's part I and part II.

I've recently revisted the idea of "transparency," a concept introduced to me in Bible college. I flip-flopped between loving it, allowing myself to grow through vulnerability, and aboslutely dreading the next time someone would expect to find my heart an open, bleeding sore. I've had some time and greatly different life experiences to marinate the whole thing in, and I've come to the conclusion that being honest about yourself will bring you more opportunities than if you are to keep quiet and shelter your very real life and very real past experiences from others.

I am a part of a mental health awareness group, and on Bell Let's Talk Day we launched a campaign about language. I taped a large sheet of recycled paper up on a wall and talked to students walking past, encouraging them to write down a positive message. The first few words and phrases that began to fill the wall were just as you might expect: hope, love, stay strong, you're beautiful, I believe in you. As more was added, less people stopped. A few students: "what I would have written was already on there. Someone stole mine!" I was smiling and pointing out that it's actually a positive thing if more people are thinking the same things. At least we're all being encouraging and on the same page. Sometimes all it takes is something small, and if everyone can think of those things easily, they should have no problem encouraging and supporting someone who is actually down and out or living with a mental illness. Some were very transparent, writing down their names and their struggles: anxiety, depression, bi-polar. I thanked each and every one who spoke to me and took a marker from my hand and pressed the tip to the wall. Several times I had to stop and add more paper. One student stopped by and took a marker from me, but looked lost in thought. I told him to take as long as he needed, if he was trying to think of something to write. Eventually he asked me what I had written. My contribution: Share your stories with others.

He smiled and asked if I would share mine with him right then. I hadn't exactly prepared for this, but I took a second to think. What parts are worth mentioning? When you're on the spot and the opportunity to share strikes, you don't want to bore anyone. And maybe to me, every single thing is important and shaped me, but what parts are going to be important to someone else? I glossed over the minor dramas and presented my recent life path and changes as a huge learning experience, where I ended up exactly where I felt I needed to be. I may not believe in higher purposes, but I certainly believe I found more of a purpose in my education and relationships now than in the past. He was attentive the whole time, nodding, "norming" by adding looks of surprise where appropriate. "I knew there was something about you. I never would have guessed you've done all that. Can I tell you my story?" And he did. And we were just standing in the hallway, talking about our deepest secrets for no reason other than to share the message that things sometimes work out in funny ways and isn't it interesting how we come out stronger in the end? (His story is amazing, by the way).

---

A graduate of my program came to speak to my class recently about her career growth since leaving the college. Many of my classmates asked questions about that process and what challenges she was met with, but a fraction of a sentence she had said much earlier in the hour, seemingly unrelated to the topic, was running around in my head. Her career sounded amazing, yes, but I wanted to talk to this woman about so much more. I'm not usually so charismatic or forward when it comes to talking to people, but I found myself in front of her at the end of the lecture time. "I'm not usually like this. I'm not normally a person who discloses a lot of personal information to someone they just met. But something you said made me want to ask you something." And just like that, I was sitting down with her and telling her so much that was inside of me, stuff I had never said to anyone else before. I learned a lot about her that I never would have guessed. We shared our stories together and exchanged numbers. She told me I could text her and rant if I ever needed to.

I don't know why I felt this deep desire to talk to her, but I'm glad I did. What I'm beginning to take away from these interactions with strangers is that it's deeply cathartic to let your troubles melt away with what I like to call a "third party." They aren't involved in what you're currently going through, and they weren't there when you went through everything else. They're not close enough to you to talk back and give you advice when all you need is a little bit of empathy and a squeeze on the shoulder. It's not that our best friends and significant others and spouses are unable to deliver this to us, but sometimes there's something else we need available in order to truly let go of what's haunting us. It's not about competition, or worrying about whether or not they'll change their opinion of you. These "third parties" simply let us be unabashedly ourselves.

I still feel the same as I did when it comes to having a bunch of friends. I'm not looking for a dozen people that I can dump my feels onto on a weekly basis. I have gained some control over my emotions so they aren't a leaky faucet of struggles and stories. But now when the opportunity to speak or write about my past comes up, I seldom pass it up.

Transparency ain't all bad.
Share your stories.

Who do I want to be?

It wouldn't be the beginning of 2015 without a contrived list of things I want to change about myself, now, would it?

Even with that joke made and out of the way, this is a serious question I've been desperately thinking I need to reflect on. I am sometimes accused of being the kind of person who caters more to the desires of others, often sacrificing my own thoughts and feelings. This isn't to say that I am spineless and will do anything to gain the approval of others; it's more that I am constantly giving to those I am close to, even at my own expense. I am most often a good listener and least often a good talker. I leave the excitement of sharing my passions to most other people, because I sort of live vicariously through their ambition. With the people I'm closest to, the light in their eyes when they talk about all of the things they want to achieve makes me deliriously happy for them. But I'm not entirely passive and disinterested in my own life. I have dreams and goals for my life, too. I'm just much more likely to keep it all to myself or share it with a journal. Human interaction gives me the heebie-jeebies sometimes.

I think first and foremost I need to address my current methods and intentions. I ask numerous questions about what people want because I am genuinely invested in their well-being, and offering all that I can to please or help them is my way of showing that I care. I tend to not be able to let things go, because I feel the need to "make extra sure" everything is okay. Sarah, honey, your insecurity is showing.

My second biggest flaw in handling the whole "I love you" thing is that I find a way to accept responsibility for nearly everything. I am aware that this is absolutely bat-shit crazy insane behaviour for a lovely young lady such as myself, but I find a way to rationalize it every single time. The worst part is that I don't even hate myself that much. I actually think I'm a lovely young lady with a lot to offer the world. It's too bad I waste all of my energy on apologies and finding a way to tell everyone, essentially, "I'm the worst!"

Phew. It's all in a day's work, and it's tiring.

Besides learning how to differentiate between fantasy, evil-bad-Sarah world and reality, and taking way less care of other adults, I need to learn how to become a sensational conversationalist. Or at least just tell people what I'm thinking some of the time (because we all know that setting absurd goals will almost definitely end in failure). Why the hell don't I make someone else's eyes sparkle and tear up by talking about my dreams? I'm important, too.

This is the good part! I would share virtual popcorn if I could, but I'm too lazy to even Google a picture. Insert imaginary or real popcorn here (I won't even be offended if you stop reading, get up, and pop some for yourself. Just come back, please!).

I want to tell you all about who I am and who I want to be.

I am a genuinely nice person. Sometimes I am too nice, to a fault: I will allow myself to be stepped on because I think being polite and hurt is sometimes better than being mean to make a point. I am going to stand up for myself more, because it's not okay for people who are doing wrong to not learn that their actions are hurting others or making others' lives more difficult. I don't have to be nice "no matter what." I usually have no problem speaking my mind, except when I'm confronted with a difficult situation in which I think my feelings are justified. I want to win back my strength in this area.

I'm too worried about whether or not I should speak on issues or topics I don't have much knowledge about. I usually operate strictly in a, "well, if I don't know, I shouldn't pretend I do" fashion. This means always admitting when I lack expertise in an area, which I always think of as a good thing. However, I can't learn from the conversations I don't have. If I always say, "I don't know," and don't try to speak, I'm no better or worse off than if I tried my best. I'm actually a pretty good and critical thinker, so there's no reason why I can't apply other principles to things I'm unfamiliar with. Some guy in Star Wars said something about trying and doing and not: you know. Important stuff like that. Plus, learning is great and you should all try it.

I'm a pessimist, and I'm in a perpetual state of worry, and my organs will probably explode because I rate everything that ever happens to me on a scale of 1-10 as a 10 (10 being "heart attack now, I can't breathe"). I have no professional diagnosis, but I wouldn't be surprised if I have some pretty serious anxiety problems. Maybe in 2015 I'll get a new doctor, who knows. But the point is that I need to alter my perspective of the world and what is going on around me. Even if the worst possible thing is happening, it will pass. I will pick up the pieces, and people will still love me, and life will eventually move on, or else adjust to any lasting effects. The world doesn't revolve around me, and not everything is the end of the world, and even the worst thing my amazing imagination could conjur up is not likely to occur. Those last two have become my mantra.

I'm a dreamer, and I do have a lot of ambition and things that I love. I don't think I like to talk about myself much because I don't think I'm that interesting and I don't want to seem arrogant. Okay, I realize that the people closest to me aren't going to get cheesed if I'm open with them. But it hurts me when people say they don't know me very well or think I really particularly care about things or that I don't know what I want out of life. I know it seems that way, and I didn't mean for it to be that way. I think about all of those things a lot and I feel like I have great answers to a lot of questions, I just get nervous when I'm put on the spot sometimes.

Are you ready for the paragraph of the century? I hope you kept some popcorn, because I'm about to compliment myself a whole bunch. It's going to be great.

I'm a creative person. I exercise this quality by noticing good designs and colour choices in all mediums of art, from page layouts to architecture. I can draw, paint, and use digital programs. I love to write almost more than anything in the world. I'm good at thinking critically, applying principles and concepts across a variety of areas, and recognizing patterns. I am improving my public speaking skills, and I know that soon I will be able to say that I am proud of how far I've come with this skill. (I'm actually already proud. All improvement is positive). I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for. I have a unique perspective and I'm not afraid to be honest, even if it is harsh, blunt, or difficult for others to hear. I'm absolutely full of love (seriously, I'm like an overripe peach. The one that dribbles down your chin; a beautiful mess).

A friend gave me my very own copy of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist for Christmas. It tells the beautiful story of a boy who realizes his Personal Legend (defined as "what you've always wanted to accomplish") and sets out on a journey to achieve it. Through his travels, he is tempted numerous times to simply give up and settle when things get too difficult. He has doubts and fears and wonders if it's actually worth some of the struggles he continues to encounter along the way. At one point, a prophet reveals what his future would look like if he didn't accomplish his goals, and it was a miserable existence. The main message is "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true." I'm not necessarily naive enough to believe in things simply happening, but I believe that when you exhaust all your efforts and stay the course, there is never any reason why you can't have the things you want. You don't have to settle.

There are things that I want to have someday. I am going to persevere until I have those things, and there is no stopping me. If things seem like they're not going well, there is always another way. How neat is that?

I'm going to love myself enough for 22 years worth, because I've been slacking. I'm going to be stronger in my mind and in my will. I'm going to change the way I see the world and what is happening around me, lest I die young from some stressed-related illness.

So without further ado, since I took a lot of your time if you read this start to finish, I will leave you with this:

be so alive + happy
everything is lovely
i love you so much.

Sarah
(who is currently wearing men's underwear).

"I love you, however; you hold me down."

I found a letter that said:

"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"

You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.

Save for a few of those late night episodes,

Missed opportunities, and "I Don't Cares,"

There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,

Just make sure you're not there.

This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..

I love you, however, 

You hold me down [x4]

You're the echoes of my everything,

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.

You're the laziness of afternoon,

You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.

How will I break the news to you? [x2]

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,

feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.

We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out. 

You hold me down [x4]

You're the echoes of my everything,

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.

You're the laziness of afternoon,

You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.

You're the leaky sink of sentiment,

You're the failed attempts I never could forget.

You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

How will I break the news to you? [x5]

The first time I heard this song, my brain tuned out the heartbreak. My ears picked up the compliments one lover may give to another, but refused to accept the pain that comes with loving someone at the wrong time or loving someone who is bad for you. I wanted it to be a love song that ended happily, even if I knew that wasn't the case. 

Every now and then I listen to this song on repeat a couple dozen times and feel myself wanting to cry until my face becomes physically sore. Because my life has improved so vastly over the recent year, my biggest fear is that someone I love would tell me that I hold them down. I know so many things that are wrong with me, and that isn't just insecurity speaking. I have an overactive imagination, to a fault. I sometimes live in a fantasy world where everything is worse than it truly is. I am so concerned with making things run smoothly that I will fuck up literally everything possible and more just trying to prevent the bad things from happening in the first place. I'm so afraid that anyone I've ever let in and allowed to love me will depart from my life with these exact sentiments: I love you, however; you hold me down. 

There is something great about being able to save yourself from unnecessary and avoidable sorrow. I admire people who are able to judge when something is not good for them any longer. I've done it before, and it's challenging, but everyone deserves to be around others who treat them with respect. I want the people in my life who are close to me to have that kind of skill and thought process when they find themselves faced with troubling relationships. I just never want to imagine that I'm the culprit, that I'm the person who is causing so much pain that my friendship is no longer providing a benefit that outweighs the cost. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to make anyone cry. 

I will be the first person to say that going into anything with a pessimistic view will certainly turn things sour. If I imagine that the worst possible thing is likely to happen, it will become true. I am a walking self-fulfilled prophecy, and I imagine that from the outside I seem like I hate to be happy, I just worry a lot. I react poorly to most things, good and bad. I'm working on my faults, but they still hurt other people. Going through the process of change doesn't guarantee there will be no more tears. There are always going to be more tears. 

None of this knowledge stops me from thinking, "what if someone is holding onto these thoughts? What if I'm toxic? What if someone wants to let me go, but doesn't know how to say it?" 

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, that make me seem sad when everything in the world is right. I'm afrraid I'm holding you down.