A return

I've decided to attempt to blog again, perhaps even daily. I don't share this blog with just anyone, and it's been a couple of years - but I am making an serious attempt to turn over a new leaf and improve myself. 

What a laugh, me trying to write my way to self-actualization. 

This is a pattern. 

I started using TalkSpace yesterday, in a last desperate attempt to quell my issues with stress, anger, and communication. I'm still in love. I still have my person. But I'm all of the things I've been writing for years, and each conversation that escalates to argument leaves me with the same reprimand: "I've been saying these things to you for years." 

I'm afraid of myself these days, because in all reality, my life is good. But I'm stuck in my head and I know I can and will do more damage to those closest to me. From my mouth, my words, my sighs, my screams. I know I've written about job changes and education and the general gist of my life here, but I'm actually in a really good place financially and career-wise. I returned to school for my dream job, something I knew I wanted to do since I was about thirteen. I am a nurse. I spend my days actively listening, providing an outlet in a lot of situations to people who have it much worse, at least physically, than myself. People are angry when they are not in control and are in pain. All of the customer service experience I've gained throughout my life has prepared me for the terrible things people say when they are scared and hurting. I'm running around all day and night, solving problems, and it's sometimes a quite thankless job. But I couldn't ask for anything better, I finally feel some sense of belonging and strive to provide for people all that I can. I bite my tongue when people are taking their anger out on me. I have a lot of good feedback from management and patients. I am gentle and I am a provider and advocate. I know I'm very good at my job. 

So why do I then go home and throw all of it out the window? This is what I'm trying to explore myself and with my new therapist. How can I spend all of this energy listening and thinking carefully before I speak for a paycheque, but not for someone who has my heart and built a nest with me? 

Do I take the "learn how to manage stress" road? Is it just about burnout? 

Or do I not love him? 

What's wrong with me? 

I'm terrified it's either all me, I'm broken beyond repair, I don't even hear myself being unkind and I can't understand it. The alternative is that he is broken, too. Or that I'm actually okay, and maybe someone else is being unkind to me. It's a mess in my head when I try to wade back through the muddy waters of our conversations. I feel like the words that leave my mouth are reasonable questions or comments, but I'm met with hurt and frustration. 

If I can't even understand what I'm doing wrong in the first place, I must be a lost case. 

I spend my mornings sitting outside, and I'll chain smoke, and I'll close my eyes and picture him. How good he is, and how I will be good to him when I see him next. I'll meditate, or something resembling meditation because I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'll feel a warmness in my belly and imagine him smiling, and us laughing together, and how the night will end positively and I will turn over from our nest and put a fat number "1" on a board that reads "it has been __ days since we had a screaming match and made each other cry." 

God, I hope my therapist can help me.

Sometimes I live in a fantasy world (on dream jobs)

Sometimes I find myself dreaming of a world where amazing things happen and my life is perfect. I am discovered for some talent or skill that I've showcased, and it's smooth sailing from that moment on because I'm young and learn quickly and we're all so connected. Fame and brains can coexist, and I'll love my job, and everyone will know my name.

Other times I fantasize about a revolution wherein the structure of "you need a degree to do X job" will dissolve and people will have the opportunity to prove their worth through more than crippling debt and sucking corporate dick to get somewhere, anywhere that isn't a dead end customer service or sales job. I don't want a job, I want a career. I don't want eleven dollars an hour and to be screamed at for nine hours every day because some obese wonder didn't get to eat her burger quick enough. I don't want to use my excellent communication skills to sell old ladies services and products they can't understand just because I want to be able to afford one million Sephora trips each month (and a new car). My life and the things I do are not going to be about money, but they sure as hell will be about who I am and what I can offer. And I'm in the business of doing something good for people.

I am sharp as a whip. I'm kind, in a "want some candy?" sort of way, without the white van. People like me, people like to talk to me, and people tell me I'm going to be able to do something big.

I want to research.
I want to solve problems.
I want to educate.
I want to listen.
I want to build something.
I want to create hope.

I can only do so much of this in an "entry level" job that high schoolers get hired to do. And I don't get to do any of it without money and time.

I didn't know what my "dream job" was until this year. TWENTY FIFTEEN. I've been thining about education and careers since the beginning of high school, and that's a long time . I'm in an embarrassing amount of debt. I have bills to pay and things I need to do. I don't get to do the things I know I would love and excel at simply because I didn't know that they existed until a couple of months ago.

First plan: nursing. Until I wasn't smart enough.
Second plan: follow a boy to Bible college (I guess "wife" is a profession).
Third plan: social work??????
Fourth plan: health/wellness, possibly personal training.
Fifth and final plan: human resources, corporate wellness, occupational health and safety.

The common thread is a desire to help. I like to think I'm personable, and passionate, and creative, and able to relate to people and listen to them and help them in any way I can. It took me so long to find a place, a position that exists where I can do those things. Solving problems, training, teaching about safety, improving stress levels and health and satisfaction and morale in people's jobs? Hella great stuff.

It's going to take me another year or so to get the education I need to be able to do something in HR. I'm dedicated to the cause; I'm very serious about it and I know it will take a lot of hard work doing something I might hate in order to get somewhere I will love. Don't misunderstand me here; I'm not trying to just complain and say the world is unfair. I think it is sometimes, but I also acknowledge my agency. I'm going to have do some shit I'm going to dislike, and I'm going to whine about how no one discovered my blog or Youtube or Twitch or whatever else, (why does everything always seem easier for everyone else?) but eventually I'll get where I'm going.

The point is that there are dreams where you might not ever get to do the things you DAYdream about. But there are other dreams that are possible, even if they seem really, really out of reach at the time. How much does it matter to you? What will you do to get it? What is your perspective?

Positivity and a good work ethic will go a long way.