Nobody Loves Us

people think all we do 

is lie around and think of how 

rich we'd be if we didn't think 

life could improve 

and we just can't wait to make more mistakes 

and we just can't wait till the whole thing blows up in our face... - Morrissey

 I've made some odd choices in my life. I haven't exactly enjoyed growing up. I feel as though it's a simple dream for a young teen to be anxious to have their own car, move out from the watchful look of their parents, and stay up late without consequences. There's always more to it than playing and doing what you want, however. Our education system forces us to decide who and what we want to be by age fourteen. The courses we choose will directly impact and effectively limit our options when applying for post-secondary. And I don't know about you, but when I was fourteen I wasn't thinking much about where I would live, what I would spend 80% of my day doing, how I would contribute to society, and if it would be able to pay my bills.

I hate debt, living pay cheque to pay cheque, feeling stuck in a place and time where I can feel my "free time" and "younger days" slipping out of my grasp. I want to create and absorb so much beauty that I know the world has to offer, but I've dipped my toes into adult quicksand and I'm taking the old "don't move, you'll sink quicker" advice to heart. I'm letting it happen, slowly, every day, hour by hour. I'm at a stand-still with my hobbies. I've debating going back to school. I'm trying to plan a vacation, albeit a small one, at least it's better than being nowhere but home and work. I feel passionless and weak. I feel defeated.

I'm working as a pharmacy technician these days, and it's a pleasant job. I like the hours and the people. I can see myself staying for a while until my other half finishes school and his business takes off. I'd much rather be doing something in a creative field, but I don't feel as though painting or photography will be stable enough. The dream is to have an okay job and fill the rest of my time with creative endeavors, like my traditional and digital painting, a fashion photography blog, and act in and help make my significant others' films. One day at a time, I force myself to try something new, practice my skills, and effectively work towards these goals. I'm just so acutely sad and it makes "go draw for a bit" a really tough thing to sell myself.

I know enough about setting goals that I'm going to overwhelm myself, but there's just so many things I need to make my days worth getting up for. I need to be softer, kinder. I need to take in the good and let go of the bad. I need to let myself dream and feel. I need to listen. I need to create. I need to take care of myself physically. I need to let myself be loved, especially when I don't believe I deserve it.

Today and tomorrow and forever after, I will throw myself at life and life will have to react to me.