Nobody Loves Us

people think all we do 

is lie around and think of how 

rich we'd be if we didn't think 

life could improve 

and we just can't wait to make more mistakes 

and we just can't wait till the whole thing blows up in our face... - Morrissey

 I've made some odd choices in my life. I haven't exactly enjoyed growing up. I feel as though it's a simple dream for a young teen to be anxious to have their own car, move out from the watchful look of their parents, and stay up late without consequences. There's always more to it than playing and doing what you want, however. Our education system forces us to decide who and what we want to be by age fourteen. The courses we choose will directly impact and effectively limit our options when applying for post-secondary. And I don't know about you, but when I was fourteen I wasn't thinking much about where I would live, what I would spend 80% of my day doing, how I would contribute to society, and if it would be able to pay my bills.

I hate debt, living pay cheque to pay cheque, feeling stuck in a place and time where I can feel my "free time" and "younger days" slipping out of my grasp. I want to create and absorb so much beauty that I know the world has to offer, but I've dipped my toes into adult quicksand and I'm taking the old "don't move, you'll sink quicker" advice to heart. I'm letting it happen, slowly, every day, hour by hour. I'm at a stand-still with my hobbies. I've debating going back to school. I'm trying to plan a vacation, albeit a small one, at least it's better than being nowhere but home and work. I feel passionless and weak. I feel defeated.

I'm working as a pharmacy technician these days, and it's a pleasant job. I like the hours and the people. I can see myself staying for a while until my other half finishes school and his business takes off. I'd much rather be doing something in a creative field, but I don't feel as though painting or photography will be stable enough. The dream is to have an okay job and fill the rest of my time with creative endeavors, like my traditional and digital painting, a fashion photography blog, and act in and help make my significant others' films. One day at a time, I force myself to try something new, practice my skills, and effectively work towards these goals. I'm just so acutely sad and it makes "go draw for a bit" a really tough thing to sell myself.

I know enough about setting goals that I'm going to overwhelm myself, but there's just so many things I need to make my days worth getting up for. I need to be softer, kinder. I need to take in the good and let go of the bad. I need to let myself dream and feel. I need to listen. I need to create. I need to take care of myself physically. I need to let myself be loved, especially when I don't believe I deserve it.

Today and tomorrow and forever after, I will throw myself at life and life will have to react to me.

At the current time

I miss writing. There was a time when I truly felt the cathartic release that came along with being able to accurately put one's deepest emotions into a language others could identify with.

I miss using any language at all, verbal or otherwise. I am quiet lately. Oddly so.

I reflected on some of my past musings and I am sorely disappointed to report that not much has changed. I am still small and stale, angry and apologetic, capable of loving too intensely yet altogether too distantly.

The past year has seen yet another career change, death, and still there has been some redeeming beauty. I still cry. I still wish I could be extraordinary. I still wake up every day and groan inwardly, praying for my life to end despite being utterly destroyed that someone else I know had the audacity to chose to take theirs.

Every wish and hope and dream and goal I have will go another day unseen and unachieved, and still I sigh and say "maybe tomorrow." One day I will awake and there will not be much time left. I am not usually one for feeling regretful but I truly fear the regret unbeknownst to me yet will catch up.

The Right Place at the Right Time

I feel like I've had a pretty trying summer.

I finished my Health, Wellness, and Fitness diploma. As much as I felt successful for completing it, I didn't know what to do next. Every job I applied for was entry level, and every entry level position was some bland flavour of sales. I finally managed to get a sales position at a gym, so as at least I didn't feel like my background knowledge would be wasted.

I loved many things about my job selling gym memberships. Most times, I felt like I was helping people. I was giving them something that they knew they wanted and needed, and when they didn't need too much convincing on the benefits of exercise and how it would change their life, then I was happy. Unfortunately for me, the nature of sales is not "they wanted it, they came to me, and so I gave it to them." My contentedness shattered when I couldn't keep up with my personal goals, let alone the club's goals. I began to feel less like I had something worth selling, and more like I was the equivalent of a telemarketer and the kid who jumps around outside Little Caesars, trying to get the attention of passersby. I didn't feel like a salesperson. I didn't feel like I could be good at selling.

I came to a crossroads of sorts. I had to make a decision: do I push myself, learn the skills, practice, and become a great seller? Do I change my perspective, try something new, see the position in a different light? Is my goal still to simply help others? Or should I throw the towel in and accept that some people do not have the gift of the glib?

Who was I, really?

A quitter? Someone who would succeed, no matter what?

I began to fervently apply for other jobs. I wanted to do something that wasn't related to sales, that didn't have a bunch of numbers and goals and quotas to meet. I wanted to be alone; I was worn out by the greetings and scripts and "peak attitude" I had to force myself to have every day. I started to apply for general labour positions, because I just wanted to work hard and keep to myself. I didn't want anything glamourous. I simply wanted to work.

I immediately received a call from a temporary staffing agency about a light general labour position. I was on my way to my job at the gym at the time. I made a joke about being on the road to the position I really didn't enjoy at all, and the man on the phone insisted I come by that morning so I could do something I wouldn't hate anymore. I shrugged it off, told him maybe I'd come to the interview, and went on my way, But I ended up at work early, and my heart was pounding, and I had a feeling I just couldn't shake. I explained to my manager that an emergency had come up - yes, I was dishonest, was I becoming a salesperson at long last? - and left to go see the man who had called me.

It started to pour rain, and I was sweating from my nerves and the humidity, and I was in my gym uniform (which isn't really interview attire, which you could probably guess). I looked and felt awful. But I showed up, announced myself as the girl who hated her job, and received huge smiles from the two men who greeted me. I was sat down with some tedious paperwork and we made small talk about my job and my morning. I was told someone would shortly take me to see the warehouse I'd be working in when the second man approached me. He asked me about my education and my five year plan. I mentioned my diploma and my plan to do something further in human resources and occupational health and safety. Corporate wellness is totally my jam.

"You're overqualified for these labour positions," he said without skipping a beat. "I have something else that is much better suited for you, if you'll give me a chance."

And that's how I was thrust into my new resource administrator position at a temporary staffing agency. I simply said I wanted to learn about human resources, and now I'm a human resource administrator. I literally qualify people for work, complete health and safety work and training with them, interview them, get them on the pay roll, and get them into work as smoothly as possible.

I woke up one morning, dreading the end of the month and the pressure of my sales position, and the next morning, I was sitting at my own desk, with my own work computer, frantically phoning and emailing and learning a whole new system - but I was happy.

The two positions have great similarities, if I'm honest - I don't get away from making a multitude of phone calls, booking appointments, having conversations, and servicing people. But I don't have to fret over nearly as many numbers. It's a lot less guilt tripping and telemarketing when you call someone who is desperate for work versus someone who maybe wants to try the gym for free but won't actually commit to a membership for a whole year. I'm learning a lot about the laws governing employment and employees and health and safety, and it's all very interesting. And at the end of the day, it's a business. I'm helping and teaching people, and I'm marketing, and I'm organizing a lot of data, and there's never really a dull moment. It's a cozy office. They're great people. I feel accomplished. I feel like I could really go somewhere in this role.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about how quickly things changed. I applied for a job, I answered a phone call, I went somewhere against my better judgment (against anyone's, really - when it all comes down to it, I lied and skipped work and left without much notice).

I guess there is such a thing as fate, as being in the right place at the right time.

Achieving goals

I remember being in my diploma program full-time this past year and thinking at one point, "if someone mentions 'SMART' goals one more time, I am going to make a point and actually drag a dead horse into this lecture hall and beat it in front of my professors." It was the moral of every story, the take-away from every lesson, the final question in every exam. How do you set a goal? How do you make sure you take the steps to achieve it? What are the barriers, pitfalls, and common mistakes? How can we ensure others' success when helping them set their goals?

I was sure I'd be able to literally do anything I wanted after my program. I was set for life. I could do anything.

But then I took a sales job in the health, wellness, and fitness industry and I was terrified of not achieving my goals. I even had a fancy mathematical formula that explained exactly what I needed to do in order to get what I wanted, and still I felt like I was staring into Death's face each time I walked into work. Yeah, I can't do this. I know I have my super specific goals laid out, and everything's measurable and attainable and realistic and has to be done by the end of the month, but damn.

So excuse me while I do a victory dance on this early morning on the 30th of this 31-day month of July, where I've already achieved my sales goal and gone ahead and made a new one for the next two days. The second of which I'm already very confident I can reach.

One thing I've had to come to terms with as a perfectionist is that you can't be good at something the first time you try it. I have unrealistic expectations whenever I attempt something, which leaves me unhappy, lacking confidence, feeling stupid, and a whole whack of other nasty things. Any normal person knows that "practice makes perfect" and that it takes time to learn. Well, goddamn, it took me long enough to learn that learning is a process. This whole paragraph is getting exhausting. The point is that I've been extremely hard on myself, which can be a huge barrier when it comes to self-improvement.

In the past, I've been a quitter. I've thought, "I'm not good at this and it's the first time.. so I should probably just stop doing it now and save everyone the trouble." The only person I end up harming with that decision is myself. Now, if you wanted to talk about things I'm really good at it, self-sabotage is the area of study where I've earned most of my achievements.

Setting goals is kind of the easy part, once you know how it's done. Sticking with the steps in between that will ensure your success, even when you fall off track.. that's the meat and potatoes of the whole thing. That's where you'll make or break the bank. That's where you really grow.

I guess the take-away here includes a few things:

a. if someone repeats something, it's probably important and worth listening to.
b. wanting something is only a small portion of the work involved in getting what you want.
c. learning takes effort and time.
d. I genuinely believe it's impossible to stay bad at something if you heed the advice mentioned in point "c." You will improve eventually.
e. failure doesn't have to be a negative experience.

okay, now you're ready to conquer that to-do list!