What happened to us?

Writing this was not my intention when I sat down at my computer this evening. I actually wanted to play the Elder Scrolls Online, but I haven't for a few weeks and so I regret to say that it's updating: very slowly. Naturally, I lit a candle (candles make everything automatically at least sixty percent sexier). Then, like the boring 22 year old that I am, I hopped on Facebook to scroll until something mildly interesting caught my eye. And what should appear, shared by multiple people on my friend list, but this article titled 71 Reasons Why We're All F*cking Single. Couple that with my recent read of The Death of Adulthood in American Culture, and I came to a realization of sorts. It's not that I didn't notice before, but it became all too clear to ignore any longer that we are all very sad and very pathetic people when it comes to "growing up."

We've all seen the Tumblr text posts about being socially awkward and single. We laugh and we see ourselves in those words, those miniature stories, but we don't see the problem. We reblog and revel in our shared immaturity, our delight in never growing up. We'd rather watch Netflix and never change our clothes, leave the house, or get a job, than be met with the possibility that we might have to do something difficult. We concern ourselves with knowledge and topics that are so pointless and fleeting, and then we wonder why older generations look at us as lazy. We do everything that warrants the comments we hate, but we think everyone else is the problem and refuse to look at what we can change. People haven't heard of certain timeless authors, or other famous contributors to society as we know it - but we sure as hell know who's going to be on our fantasy football team, every new feature of the newest iPhone, what Ryan Gosling named his gosling, and every minute detail of the should-be-private going on's of the Duggar family.

"We’re worried about shattered iPhones more than ruined relationships. We don’t need to go out to movies when we have Netflix. We don’t need anyone because we’re perfectly content with ourselves."  ('71 Reasons' article)

Exact- wait, what? Why doesn't this bother anyone? Why should we be content with ourselves when we're basically all Homer Simpson? Don't we laugh at his character because he is someone who can't possibly exist? Maybe we all used to know a lazy person or two, but Homer was funny because it was always so exaggerated. But today, there is always someplace to be my Moe's, Boneshaker to be my Duff, and I honest to goodness feel like I'm getting dumber each day. I don't have to develop my social skills, because I bring my phone to the dinner table and answer any question from another human with the bare minimum, hardly looking away from Twitter or whatever else tickles my fancy. I don't read challenging material and learn anything, because I'm content with The Hunger Games and Divergent. I don't talk about the challenging themes in good films because I've only watched Frozen at least once every week since it came out.

Who, or what, can we blame? Technology? We're beyond blessed to have access to the information that we do, bcause there was a time when the family you were born into would dictate whether or not you had access to any education whatsoever. People are so amazing, don't you see? We invented ways to write things down, the printing press, the education system. We're creative and we've progressed so far. Now I just feel like we're taking innumerable steps back. Did we look at all of these things, shrug our shoulders and say, "oh, well, it's all already been done"? "Might as well sit back and just fucking cruise"?

If we take articles like 71 Reasons and the numerous other similar articles on sites like ThoughtCatalog, Huffington Post, Jezebel, EliteDaily, etc. seriously, like a lot of people do, we perpetuate the notion that people are supposed to remain childish. That you can keep living at home, that you don't have to work, that you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. And while we may each be free to choose that life for ourselves, when did it become the ideal? Where is the drive, the independence, the passion, the desire for more for ourselves?

What is it that happens? When did "adult" become a curse word or insult? I've experienced it myself - you spend this number of years waiting to get to a certain age or stage of life, because you believe it will be the point where things get better. You can drive, you can drink, you can have your own place. You can do so much more than you once could, but it's always about something that's supposed to be coming next. And then somewhere along the path, we get - what? Complacent? Lazy? Unmotivated? All of the above? We get our parents to pay for our classes that we don't go to, and we don't work, and we bury ourselves deeper into our childhoods that we miss so dearly for some bizarre reason. To be entirely honest with all of you, I'm beyond embarrassed that I was formerly a baby. I dream of the day where I don't have debt, I don't have an excuse to sit around because I'm "just a student," and I don't have to share a space with people I don't necessarily want to be around other than to conveniently share the cost of rent.

I don't know what to do. I don't think there is only one way for people to live their lives, so I want to clear that I don't want to discount the choice that some people are making to not "settle down." But do I really believe we can defend our "reasons" for remaining children, albeit in slightly bigger clothing than we used to wear? No, I don't think it's enough to simply say, "because taking responsibility for the things that I have chosen as someone who is capable of abstract thought is totally lame." Freedom and responsbility, my friends; because if you're going to say that you're single for reasons like "no one wants to use a condom," and "you drink too much..." you better be ready to take accept the consequences. I don't believe  there is anything wrong with a bit of selfishness (see: Ayn Rand), but the brand we've developed is not the kind that I believe should be excused the way it has been.

i'm terrible at loving people

i don't typically lack empathy, but i am not a very compassionate person. when i was vegetarian, it wasn't because i thought animals were too cute to consume. i actually hate animals. i never want another pet in my life, if i can help it. i hate the sound of children crying. i really just hate children in general. i've tried to love and care for people with low self esteem, compulsions to self-mutilate, and feelings of anxiety. these are all vices i possess myself, but know that i can't even love me: how could i ever love someone who makes me feels like i'm looking into a darkened mirror? or is the room the mirror is in well-lit, so i canclearly see the outline and details of every single thing i hate? i've been the honest and blunt person before. i've been the friend people come to for advice. i've been the model girlfriend in a long-standing relationship, the people everyone said, "aw, you two are perfect for each other!" to. but remember, there's always so much more to someone than they reveal in the public. there's so much you don't see.

i'm not good. i'm terrible at loving anyone or anything.

if you ever hear the expression, "you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself first," it's not a tired cliche. it's one of the truest things i've experienced. when you obsess over everything - from how big of a deal something is, to apologizing for things that aren't your fault, to imagining every worst possible outcome of a situation - you have nothing good to offer the people who love you. every opportunity you've had to make someone else happy is consumed by your obsession with yourself and how you feel. you feel bad, you feel evil, you feel like a shitty person. you feel like you messed up, you feel like things can't get any better, you feel hurt by your own mistakes. what about them?

maybe i'm worse at being empathetic than i first evaluated.

the worst part is that my concern with my own feelings isn't arrogance, at least not in the narcissistic way we're used to thinking the meaning of the word is, it's not that i'm over here thinking about how important i am. nothing about it is positive. but the very fact that i can't see past how badly i feel about pretty much my entire existence puts up a huge roadblock in any relationships i have: especially the closest ones. i used to think i had a good handle on my emotions, but i've realized more recently that i have no clue how to be an emotionally healthy human being. i used to feel like my privacy was invaded when people wanted me to be honest about what i was thinking and feeling, but any time i've been asked in the past - what if i had answered? what if i had given those things the time of day and worked on it, so that when it really mattered like it does now, i would be prepared? people always say practice makes perfect, but what the hell have i been doing? what if people really do just love me and want to be a part of my life, instead of having to halt at a sheet of glass between our hearts, holding their palms to it and looking in with pain and longing every time they want to get closer?

i've been angry with anyone who's ever said to me that i am a liar because i hold my feelings inside, locked up with the key thrown away. i usually just say, cheekily, "it's not lying, i just didn't say anything." see, i thought lying meant i said something that wasn't true. but by not saying a word, i've essentially said that everything is okay, when in reality most times it isn't - not one bit. i'm the girl who cries herself to sleep. i'm the girl who becomes irrational and can't explain why i'm angry. i'm the girl who holds onto everything and dumps it on you later. i'm the girl you really don't want to love, because it's a chore. it's a burden. it's cumbersome. you choose it, and i never know why, because i can't see anything good in myself. i see a liar and someone who is bad at giving any love back.

how do you love a person?

my ways are hallmarked by inconsistencies. my methods are likely seen as too small, too trivial. i think of people i love and i let them know. honestly, i will bring you a coffee or a sandwich every day. i hold tight and i never want to let go. i always give you my time. but when it comes down to the hard stuff, what really matters, i need all the help i can get. and most people who have tried to love me have the same criticism - i never seem happy. why would anyone want to bother with someone who seems like they can never be pleased?

gosh, sometimes i feel like i will burst with the amount of love i feel for some people. if i could wish on a shooting star, or pray to a god that truly exists, or own the monkey's paw, i'd ask to learn how to love. my ways aren't enough. the words get jumbled, the negative emotions i can't control come out, and the only thing i feel like i can do is press my hands or body close enough and hope that my love jumps across my skin to theirs. i'm not good at a lot of things, but i can get over that. i want desperately to be better at this one thing, because sometimes i really feel like my life depends on it. i would die penniless, but i wouldn't want to die without learning first how to love the people i do.

can this be the last night someone says to me, "i just worry if you do love me"? because i do, hell, i love you more than i love myself. that much is apparent. and maybe i had to write this out just to remind myself once again that i need to do that, i need to love me, too.

i don't believe much about the bible, but if i had to pick one thing, it's what love is. love is about being patient and kind, not holding onto what others do wrong to you. it's about forgiveness and not being angry without reason and not purposely hurting others. it's about promising to protect, trust, hope, and persevere. and it's always a choice. those who have ever chosen to love me? gosh, you're brave: but, thank you. you're teaching me every day how to improve.

breathe

*okay so this is meant to be a spoken word poem type of deal. It sounds way better when I say it out loud to myself and put the emphasis in the right spots. I might make a video of me reading it soon because for a 3am jumble of emotions, it turned out okay.*

breathe
ten seconds
that's all you need
because when you don't hold your breath,
words all go to your head
and you're dizzy that the thought of everything he said
just won't sink in, he's your linchpin
and now what if he goes?
now you're blinking back tears, incoherent
no self-esteem, you're already screaming
heart aching
so you stare at the wall, all sprawled out on his bed
you want to go home but so much would be left unsaid
oh god, can he feel it?
the love that you possess, like it can be passed
from your fingertip to his collarbone
it's so real and you hope to some god that it's known
it's all you want and you know without a doubt
hurting him, which you do, is the worst pain you've ever felt
but you've done worse, and you always do
every apology drags you deeper into an abyss
and you can't miss the fact that you've done this before
someone else you used to adore
and the same things keep coming up
"if you don't shape up, we'll break up
try harder, speak more, remember to breathe
listen to me"
something has to be wrong with you
it's like deja vu
and you used to play the card that goes
"it's not you, it's got to be me"
now you finally see, it has to be true
this is too close for comfort
you overexert but then again so does he
you feel like you can never win
you just need more discipline
god you're so fucking angry
"does he hate me?"
because he thinks you hate him
which is grim to think because you'd rather be dead
than break his stupid heart a second time
so sublime has your time together been
you don't want it to end over something so trivial
but it will, unless your bullshit becomes null
the next time you want to yell, take a second to dwell
on the reality that he loves you endlessly
he's honestly the best thing to happen in your life
and your anger is a knife cutting away every good thing
and your words, they sting and they're so rife
so remember to breathe instead of seething
let him feel your love and don't shove him away
ten seconds is all you need to convey
that you care and you swear you'll remember to breathe

I'm sorry if I ruined your life

Existing inevitably results in time spent with others. People come and make memories, they build their nests in your chest and leave their favourite albums in your car and their video games strewn on your bedroom floor and occasionally you may find one of their old t-shirts in your drawer. Then they leave, or they give you enough reasons for you to take your leave, and they're not just fond memories now, but relics from a simpler time. You pick one up and you turn it over in your hand and wonder, what was all of this for? How amazing it is to find a piece of history! but with discovery comes responsibility, and are you meant to catalog all of these things, write about the emotion they invoke and the surrounding context and the time which they date back to? What are the proper steps to be taken after finding such things, whether they be in your head or objects that survived? Survived what? There is so much to think about that you render the warm stirring of nostalgia to be grossly exaggerated, the pain involved outweighs any satisfaction; and so you regard it as bad move, something to be avoided at all costs. Escapism will get you far, and the days become fewer and father between when you will unearth your ancient heart. New nests are built, but the remains and the memories of those former homes are like callouses, like stains, like rotting leaves under the last of the winter's melting snow.
And like a cancer, you don't get to choose if they're malignant or benign.

i used to write poetry that expressed how i (still) feel

You announced that life is beautiful,
a sacred thing;
it was not a suggestion, nothing like a harmless challenge
and I was not permitted to be discordant.
Again I was reminded,
no, prod and subtly forced in your Nazi method
to participate in your joy.

Through the looking glass is not all
white rabbits
small, harmless creatures
with pink eyes winking up at you,
daring you to scoop them up in your Mother Teresa hands.
The fur does not stay white and smooth
like a baby's skin, like ivory
because children are pure, white as snow.
That snow melts.

Where is your great happiness now?
Raping and pillaging the countryside;
he wasn't even beautiful when he was born,
rupturing from the only good home you've ever provided.
There was pain - you snap at men, who don't understand -
you both bled;
but he knows that better than you do.

Existing is a curse.
I tried to warn you about the cracks in the sidewalk;
he just steps on them to spite you
and I'm stranded,
like you were,
to bless this accursed Earth
with more sanguinary plebeians

Sarah Belbeck, 2010

how do you write about love?

I wasn't planning on writing anything today, but I came across this photo and was instantly inspired to attempt to do this very thing. I'm not sure what other people go through when they feel positive emotions towards another person. I'm not sure if some people find it easy to explain why they love someone, or if it's universally been accepted as one of those tasks that we can't seem to succeed at, no matter how hard we try. The words never seem to come out right, and especially not at the right time. We tend to think telling someone you love them and that you would do anything for them is a candlelit dinner or sitting under the stars on a warm, summer night kind of affair, but it usually comes up at inopportune times. I understand entirely. I know that once you find those words, you don't want to let them go unsaid. What if you never find the right combination of letters and sounds again?

I often wonder what it is that other people answer to a question like, "why do you like your significant other?" Is it because they're attractive, or they're fun or make good jokes, or something deeper than that? How do you know when you love someone? Is it just a feeling? I know I believe that love and relationships take mutual effort, but what is love, that moment where you fall into it? How do you explain that? I've been thinking about how to explain these things that I often take for granted, because I think that's what happens sometimes when you don't try to pinpoint what it is that you really feel. For myself, I tend to let it become this thing that is never going to be properly voiced, so I stop trying. I am a mess of inaudible grunts and smiles and grabbing hands when it comes to spending time with the person I love. I have to be satisfied with, "you're so cute, I love you!" because nothing else seems to be good enough. I'm not even satisfied with those silly things that fall out of my mouth, because they don't fully capture the complexity of the emotions I experience. Then there is this whole archive of what it's meant to look like based on films and television series we've all seen, or how our parents act or our friends and their boyfriends or girlfriends. Everyone has this preconceived idea of what being in love looks like, and no matter how hard to try to erase that from our memories and work on the living person in front of us, we still get caught up in those beliefs. I don't want to say things like

you mean everything to me

I want to do everything I can to make you happy

I would do anything for you

I want to share everything with you

I don't like it when you're not around

Such words reek of desperation. They remind us of the kinds of people we don't want to be in relationships with. No one should make another person the center of their universe, right? Isn't that what people believe? So how do you express those sentiments without saying those things? You usually don't. You usually suppress them and say something simple and safe instead, even if it isn't what you really meant. Thus begins the cycle of feeling like you have never expressed how much someone means to you. You're constantly thinking of new ways to do it, but if it's close enough to matching your emotions, it's usually not kosher.

I know what people mean when they say some cliche thing like, "it's just a feeling, you can't explain it." But the writer in me wants to be able to convey something so real and so universal. It causes me distress to not be able to write about the love that I have. I have to keep trying. I carry a notebook with me at all times. I try to write down the little details that make me feel that dull ache in my bones, the things that accelerate my heart, the moments that make me smile. I am trying.

 If only I were a poet.

Pablo Neruda

“Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way than this: 

where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

Such desperation smells much sweeter when written in stanzas. 

those moments when

there is nothing incredible happening to you, but you feel like joy is a tangible thing and it's running through your body, like it's in your bloodstream or perhaps even under your skin, rushing, and it's pleasant and invigorating and you can release your anxieties, your tension, the way you worry about everything that has nothing to do with you
and part of you wants to hold onto it, feel it going over your palm and between your fingers, make sure it's real and not going to be fleeting, flying or flowing or falling away any time soon, but the part of you that has let go of everything forces you to simply take what has been shown to you and accept it for what it really is
a rare piece of heaven, where the sun is just warm enough to kiss your skin but there is no way you will become uncomfortable, where the wind is mild and your hair billows around your face like a halo and your favourite song is playing in your ears, or maybe not your favourite but somehow it fits the moment perfectly and you couldn't have known that before this feeling came along and grabbed ahold of you, robbing you of your melancholia
you're walking across a parking lot, you were doing errands or wasting time or thinking about nothing in particular aside from how awful you are and how long it will take you to get back home, your feet hurt and you just came from the store but of course now that you're on your way, you're thirsty, and suddenly you realize, this is it. this is what I've been postponing my own death for, this is what I've been waiting to feel and I always wanted it on my own terms, I've always only wanted it to be a result of something I've done
but life isn't so beautiful when you memorize a formula and plug in the data and restrict and abstain and measure and plan and wait, the waiting, the expectations are what keeps us from ecstasy
you can be doing nothing meaningful, feeling only despair, knowing you're nothing special when this moment comes along and sweeps you off your feet and pulls you lovingly into the lap of liveliness because that's what it does, it makes you feel alive, and it doesn't take a hike to a mountaintop or a large sum of money or a jump from a plane to feel a rush
most of our lives will be insipid but I've never felt so alive as when I was walking across a parking lot on a Wednesday afternoon

on feeling like a failure

I took a few moments to think about what things I have "accomplished" so far in my life. The list isn't very long. I could probably count them on one hand. For the number of things that I perceive myself to have failed, however, I could likely write a formal essay.

Why is it so much easier to bring myself down than it is to encourage and motivate myself? Why do I give up so easily and complain that I haven't done anything, when the obvious answer to all of my problem is to simply make goals and work to achieve them?

I'm discouraged because of all of the things I've quit. I quit college the first time around. That also meant I was quitting my positions. I was going to be a residence assistant before I left. I left my student cabinet position because I stopped wanting to do it. I didn't keep my promises or challenge myself or do any of the hard work. I just quit. I quit my last two jobs because I didn't like them. I got up and walked away from both of them because I just didn't care anymore. In the back of my mind, I have the knowledge that tells me life is not going to be easy. It is not going to be comprised of all of my favourite things at all times. Every task I find myself committed to is going to have to be given at least some of my attention and skill, no matter how I feel about it. That's what jobs and volunteer positions are all about. I didn't have to take those specific jobs. I didn't have to tell anyone I wanted to be a part of a team. I didn't have to go to school. But I chose all of those things, and then I gave up on myself and everyone who depended on me to some, any degree.

I'm a quitter. I'm a failure. I'm a loser. I'm nothing.

People close to me tell me they're proud of me. They think I'm smart and I have potential to go places and do important things. I don't know who they're looking at, but I don't feel like it's me. I think there is someone inside of me that is strong and capable, but I don't know how to get her to come out and take the reigns in my life. I know I am a hard worker when I want to be. But I can't only do things that I enjoy and want to do, so how do I make myself put the effort in all the time?

I'm the kind of girl that can skip class and read over her notes half an hour before an exam and still pull off 80%. I could be the girl who gets perfect. But I don't do that. Why be perfect and do work when you can be good enough and do nothing? I'm the kind of girl that has personality and occasionally says something people like or think is smart, so generally I'm off the hook for all the other things I'm not doing well enough. Why work your tail off and not get recognized when you can put your two cents in when it's appropriate or needed and just drift along the rest of the time?

I'm a procrastinator. I'm comfortable where I am as long as I don't think too hard about anything. But I want to be someone, go somewhere, do something. And unfortunately for me, I wasn't born into riches and I don't know a lot of people with power. I have to do the work to have the things I want. So I'm torn between wanting more for myself but not wanting to make any effort, which is probably something a lot of people feel even though we might not want to admit it. I know promotions and good jobs and awards and recognition and reputation and money don't just walk up and sit in your lap. I don't need to be told that.

So what is it that I need?

I can't even make myself go through the motions and steps that are proven to give me what I want. I can't even eat the right food or get enough exercise to lose weight. I cry myself to sleep for being unhappy with my body, then wake up and eat two of my meals out and sit at home all day. Why all the sabotage? Why doesn't my head connect with the rest of me?

I can tell other people how to make goals. I can pour information out of my mouth into the minds of others like some sort of Wikipedia syrup. I can talk forever if I know something someone else doesn't. But would I ever take my own advice? I highly doubt it.

I wish I could say that the turmoil I feel when I don't accomplish anything is enough to motivate me. I wish I could hate the way I behave enough to change it.

I already know the solutions. I'm lazy, and that needs to change. I need to have a better, different perspective. What about the things I have done? I need to believe in myself. And as much as I hate the idea of it, I need someone to check in on me and shake my shoulders when I get too lost in my melancholia.

"Failure" is this utterly debilitating state when you bring it on yourself. No one has ever told me I'm a failure before, at least not at any tasks I've tried to perform. I do this sort of thing to myself. I want to feel like everybody else does about what I do and am capable of; full of pride and happiness. And when things are too hard, I don't want to quit, because I know how good triumph feels.

Maybe it has to have more to do with wanting to enjoy and share my accomplishments than trying to escape my imagined failures.

What I'm Reading

This is the pile that lives beside my bed/on my desk! I move it from place to place, though I'm not sure if it's because I'm trying to make it visible to myself at all times to remind myself to keep reading, or what that's all about. I'm about half-way through both Thus Spoke Zarathustra and The Second Machine Age, which are both proving to be highly interesting and are keeping me on my toes. I want to write reviews or summaries or something after I finish each book over the next little while. Though right now, I have a horrible habit of starting too many books at once (and this is how the pile grew to its current height).

I know that there seems to be a theme, but I promise I'm not an aggressive atheist. I'm just reading a few things at the recommendation of others, and we'll see how I feel in the end. That's the point of reading and reviewing material, right? I read Why I Am Not A Christian by Bertrand Russell in the winter and it was the most helpful thing in the world to me at the time. It was not because I needed convincing or even that I necessarily wanted to be validated in my feelings, only that it seemed to put into words the very problems I had with religion and the church, but had never taken the time to write it down myself.

This may be a slightly unpopular opinion, but I think even those of us who are Christians or of other faiths should be reading philosophies and world views that are not our own. Even a decent book on apologetics is a good start if you want to evaluate your belief system (read: you probably should be constantly doing some serious self-reflection and evaluating). Many will say that is too dangerous and will frown upon such a suggestion, but I think it's important to be a well-rounded person and learn as much as you can. Examine why you believe what you believe. Allow yourself to face those who are different than yourself. So often the general rule seems to be that anyone who is different is going to try and take you away from what you believe, but I can't seem to figure out why hearing new information will have the potential to ruin your life. If what you believe is important to you and you don't have any solid basis or reason to question it, simply knowing more about the world around you should not have a negative effect. I feel like a lot of people are ruled by fear and are overprotected, and I don't know how anyone can experience a life where everything is a danger to them. Knowledge is great! The world is a vast and mysterious place!

So...what are you reading? And what's the verdict on fiction vs. non-fiction for you? (I challenge all you story-readers to pick up some non-fiction for your next read!)

I don't want to beat a dead horse, but.. ("Us" vs. "Them")

If anyone reading knows anything about my comings and goings, you will know that I recently wrote my first blog for Hashtag Hope. A little background information: it is a not-for-profit organization that seeks to offer a little bit of encouragement and remove the stigma from suffering in silence. For the most part, the writers and creators are Christian. The tone in their blogs and most of what they do reflects this quite strongly. Naturally, with me not being a Christian, I worried about being a part of the blogging team. Most people want to hear that their hope lies in Christ. What do I have to offer? I opted to write honestly and passionately about these very fears. I thought it would be a good way to set the stage for who I am and how I write. I was not going to lie and incorporate Jesus into my writing for the sake of others. And because my "deconversion" is still a fresh wound, it took a lot of courage to write what I did and address my issue of not fitting into that world any longer.

Quite ironically, someone commented on the very things that I was trying to avoid. The purpose of my blog post was twofold - one, to share how I've grown and am looking for meaning in my life. I offered hope and encouragement. That is the requirement to write for Hashtag Hope. It has to come back to something positive in the end. But the other purpose was for myself, in a sense. In writing my exact thoughts down and sharing them with an audience, I feel like I freed this part of me that was going to continue to apologize for my own existence until the end of time. I don't have to apologize for who I am when I am not hurting anyone. I was being myself, which was a huge theme in what I wrote, and I was offering my side of the story. People appreciated it. Most people appreciated it.

The majority of the one negative comment addressed how they thought I was selfish. Phrases like, "no wonder you're depressed: you only care about yourself," "Really? Everything was good about Hashtag Hope until this post," "you say you 'tried faith,' but I really question whether you 'tried' at all," still flash past my eyes like some sort of bizarre marquee. The majority of what was said hinged on judgment by Christian standards - which is what I want to write about briefly here.

I did the chuch thing. I studied the Bible. I read it front to back a couple times. I took courses on it. Theology is interesting to me. And if someone wants to believe I didn't try hard enough to actually believe it and live it, that's fine. I can accept that. What I won't accept is that someone, anyone can believe that telling another person what they believe or whether they "tried hard enough" is acceptable behaviour, in any circumstance. Specifically in this context, it's not something you're supposed to do. It's not up to a faith-professing person to tell someone else where their heart is, or whether or not they are right with god. It's like sneering at someone and saying, "you're not even saved, because you did X." If I were a Christian still and saying things like, "loving yourself is important, you should love yourself" and you believed Christ asked us to practice self-abnegation, you still shouldn't be able to decide whether or not I'm a "real" Christian in good conscience. This is addressed numerous places in Scripture, but for this purpose I'll refer briefly to Romans 14 and judging the "weaker" brother.

"Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
⁵ One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. ^6
...
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another."

You probably know the gist of this one. If you have disputes within your faith or various denominations, unless it's a super important detail and not just a preference, it doesn't really need to drive a wedge between believers. You don't need to judge someone for the small stuff and whine because not every believer is the exact same as you. This is all relevant if I had done something that was perceived as "against" my worldview, if I were still a part of the church.

It's an entirely different story to use what happened in this case, considering my current feelings about religion. Again, countless times in Scripture it is clear that it's not the Christian's job to hold "non-believers" to the exact same standard. 1 Corinthians 5:12: "For what business have I to judge outsiders? Judge the insiders."

I want to be clear that I am not writing this because my feelings are hurt and I am seeking revenge or further confrontation. I merely think it's important for people to understand the implications of their faith if they profess to believe something like the Bible. If you believe that it is a guide book for how you are meant to live out your faith and serve god, please don't pick and choose what parts are important to follow and which ones can be thrown on the back burner because of your own self-righteouness. My problem with the comment was not that I was insulted. My problem was that it didn't make sense. To summarize, I was judged by Christian standands, something which I am not. I was made to feel as though my experience was invalid because someone else leads a differently life and has a varied opinion. I was told that I never tried hard enough to be a real Christian.

I would advise that we first take the log out of our own eyes lest we become hypocrites and judge others for things we aren't even meant to be judging. 

I do not identify as a Christian. I am a writer for Hashtag Hope because I care about the same things that the other writers and creators of the organization do. I want to reach people with a message of hope and share my thoughts and experiences. I am not going to be the exact same as someone else. I am not going to live to please everyone else. I have my own philosophy that I am currently shaping and refining every day. I have struggles of my own. I am a person, just like everyone else. I believe in free speech, and so I do appreciate that commentor sharing what they believe. If I am free to share how I feel, so everyone else must be able to. But it has to go both ways. I will not be silenced because one person may have wanted that or was possibly offended by my words. 

I recognize that I am going to constantly battle the people who are on the other side of the fence, the side that I left behind. I still see you as equals and I try my best to interact with and love people as individuals. I would appreciate the same. I do not take kindly to be judged as an immoral person strictly because I am not going to mention Jesus at all times. I accept that I will not always be liked for who I am, and that I will not be able to be something good for every person. I just want to be true to myself and if I can help another poor soul along the way, that's more than enough joy for me.

Thanks again to anyone who reads this. I hope I didn't sound harsh at all, because in my head it's all quite cool and composed. I really think all people should evaluate what they say and believe, and not just once. It's a constant thing, a lifelong endeavour. 

Happy thinking, friends.

thoughts for the week

point form like a boss because I lead a very busy life.

• there is a difference between believing something to be important and sharing your views vs. going out of your way to attack someone who has an opposing view simply because you dislike them for thinking "the wrong way"
• on the same note, there is nothing positive to be gained from going into a community specifically for a group of like-minded people, with whom you know share an opposing view, and telling them they are all awful and incorrect
• it should be noted that discussions are welcome, with sound argumentation and no personal attacks - criticism should also always be welcome
• sometimes it is best to keep your unpopular and/or controversial opinions to yourself - keeping in mind the above points
• stop. breathe. think about things that make you upset - they probably don't matter in the grand scheme of your life
• life is meant to be lived in the present - you can't enjoy something if you aren't even aware it's happening because you're too busy planning two weeks from this moment
• people should be very careful to avoid telling others how they feel or what they're going through - asking questions is okay, but it is not okay to make a conclusion for someone else, or about someone you don't know 
• people who love you want to hear you speak, not just speak at you constantly
• censorship is bad, free speech is important - and if free speech is a value, a positive in your eyes, you have to also accept speech that does not align with what you believe. it's free for you - and so it's free for all 
• you cannot be everything to everyone

to my former self

I saw a post on Frank Ocean's tumblr where someone had asked him to explain the current situation to himself five years ago. I thought about how much my life has changed from what I imagined it would be today, and though no one is asking me because I'm not a celebrity or really anyone to look up to, I thought I would do something similar for my own purposes. Nary a day goes by where I am not thinking about the choices I've made, the people I've loved and allowed to love me, and everything and anything inbetween. This is it! This is where I've been, this is who I was, and it all lead up to this moment. Now, since I'm young and I don't necessarily remember June 2009 super well (summer before grade twelve), I'm going to talk about where I was three years ago (June 2011). The last three years is probably the meat and potatoes of my self discovery and growing up.

Hey, you. 

You just finished your first year of post-secondary. Congratulations! I know it wasn't exactly what you wanted and planned, even though I know you're  still pretty happy with how everything panned out. I know you're looking for a job right now and it all seems hopeless. You don't want to have to move back home again at the end of the month if you still haven't heard from anyone. You're going to meet so many people who will love you and keep you sane; especially once you get a call in a couple weeks for the job you'll have for the next couple years. Don't worry, because you'll almost never have a problem with your money. You could always do better and save more, but you're going to be pretty comfortable for a while. You do work hard, afterall. 

You're going to face a lot of doubt and confusion soon. You're not going to want to stay and complete school, and I get it. You've already just faced a lot of bad news and you're scared for the future. From this moment on, you won't have much faith in your school. You are going to be cynical and bitter and you're never going to feel like you belong. This isn't bad. You'll get through it, and it won't be easy, but the good news is that you will always stay faithful to yourself. You value yourself, and that isn't selfish. It will take you a while to really be the strong person that you know you are inside, and you'll feel like you're doing something wrong, but push through it. You're going to falter and give in to others and feel stupid later and hurt people you love and who love you in return - but you're going to come out stronger in the end. You always say you don't live with regrets, but I know you'll learn that you have a couple. That's okay. 

Nothing is going to be the way you dreamed it would. None of it. People will get everything you want before you, when you believe you deserve it more, but to be honest, you'll be thankful things don't happen the way you expected. You're going to go through the most painful days of your life so far and you'll spend days stuck in bed, sleeping because it's the only time you don't wish you were dead instead. You're going to make a lot of hard choices all at once and your life is never going to be the same. Change is not bad. 

You will have to come to terms with some harsh realities and realize that some people in your life were not good for you. This doesn't mean that you can't have good memories or learn from things. You will always be someone who is kind and not vengeful. You're going to want to be angry and full of spite, but to be honest, you aren't capable of it. I'm proud of you because I know where you go with everything you've been through. 

You probably want to hear that the future is more certain, but I can't even say that I am certain about tomorrow. It takes a lot of time, but you will come to terms with the fact that life isn't simple and it's impossible to know everything. You are just as confused about "adult life" now as you will be in the future. But you'll have someone with you who keeps you calm and helps you through it. And perhaps best of all, you will be loved. You will not be controlled or manipulated or worried about pleasing everyone. You will be free. And I'm so excited for you to see and feel this, because it's impossible to put into words. 

See you in three. 

brief, bad grammar post about love

hey 

make sure you let yourself be loved by someone who is there for you through it all, good and bad, and doesn’t expect you to be perfect of your own will nor of any god’s 

people are processes, they are flawed, we are always learning

if someone can’t or won’t be there for you when you’re having a bad day or when you cry for no reason or when you treat them with anger and contempt, if they are not patient with you and love you regardless - i seriously ask ‘what is the point?’

love is not about only good feelings; love is not about perfect people loving one another perfectly

love is sharing a journey of growth with someone you’ve chosen to be perfectly imperfect with 

((this is something difficult i had to realize and accept today because i am a perfectionist and i will always take the blame for things. it is hard for me to think that i am not going to do everything exactly the right way every time and have the answer for everything. i try to do this with people i love and it never works! it is a challenge to accept the love i am given and remind myself and allow myself to be reminded that i am going to be loved and supported no matter what stage of my life’s process i am in. i am going to change constantly - and just like i’ve chosen to love someone - they have chosen me back. i will always be my own worst critic, and i am not perfect, but i am loved.))

Why pity is an insensitive word to use when people leave the church

I was once a part of the world of like-minded people meeting to sing and listen to the word of God with eagar anticipation every Sunday morning. It was a huge part of my life and who I was; it was my source of strength and the lens that I tried my best to view the world through. I recognize that when one chooses to leave their former life behind and take up the cross, it's life-altering. It is the very foundation of all that one chooses to do. It dictates how you are able to love people. But what happens when you leave that world behind, and no longer accept that your life is owed to Christ's death on the cross? There were people who shared this core part of what it meant to be human with me, who loved me because Christ loved me first and I returned that love to him. And when you lose your love for Christ, others are quick to say one thing: "I pity you."

pity

noun

1. 1.

   the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.
2. 2.

   a cause for regret or disappointment.

I want to first say that it is already a very challenging realization to come to, to accept that you are no longer going to be a part of something so vast. When you've spent years telling others about how loving, accepting, and hopeful Christ and his followers are, it is painful and defeating to hear that others now only feel as though your choices are disappointing and that they believe you are suffering. On that note, I also recognize that based on a Christian worldview, it only makes sense to say that anyone who does not accept Christ as their saviour is technically suffering. From that lens, pity does appear on the surface to be the appropriate emotion to feel for those of us who tasted Heaven and decided it tasted like something we cannot stomach and made us nauseous. But I resent being told that I am pitied for my decisions, and I don't believe it is a loving emotion, nor is it helpful. I don't even believe it is appropriate to come out to someone whose Jesus wounds are fresh and say, "I find you pitiful. I pity your life now."

I am inclined to accept that you believe they are missing out on a beautiful part of life. I can accept sadness. And of course I will accept love; that should be given regardless of differences in worldviews. What I cannot accept is that you think I am worth any less than I was before.

I think that if all people are created in God's image and you believe that to be true, I am still a human being just like you. I may not see the world as what it is for you, but I have the same basic makeup. I am flesh and bones and I feel, deeply. And if your pity is warranted, then any disdain I may begin to feel towards Christ or his people can be justified. I am the least likely to ever be receptive to religion if others continue to be condescending to me about what I have discovered for my life. I don't mean to say that I hate my old life or anyone who chooses to live in that fashion. I simply don't have those feelings. I don't hate individuals, I dislike harmful ideology and practices (though that's a post for another day). But there are people who leave, fall into irrepairable pieces, and are then thrown remarks about how pitied they are. When you've felt the love of Christ and the love of other people, it is a challenge to see how such an emotion can be felt towards someone if only for the reason that they are searching for themselves and a purpose in life. For some, it wasn't found in Christ, the Bible, or any church group. And that doesn't mean they weren't receptive to the Spirit, or too disobedient, or possessed by demons. And they are no less moral than when they identified as a Christian.

I know first-hand what the church and its people are capable of. They are capable or love, grace, and forgiveness. That is what I want to feel. And I believe I would still be able to feel God's grace through his people if they did anything but pity me. We are all flawed, it is not only the people like myself. Christ's people are flawed, too, and they are loved. By him, and still by me. And do you know who I am? I am Sarah. I am who I was before, and if I might be so bold, I believe I am now the most like myself I have ever been. You know what your freedom looks like in Christ, and I feel I am free in myself and the love I am still able to give freely to others.

Please don't pity me.
Please don't patronize me. 

Does boycotting really make a difference?

The documentary “World According to Monsanto” is certainly a thought-provoking one. I will admit that I was familiar with a lot of the controversy surrounding the company and it still bothers me to hear it again. My biggest dilemma with Monsanto's actions is the false advertising, hiding life-changing information, and risking the health and lives of their consumers. Overall, this seems to be a bad business move. When one thinks about it ethically and logically, you might say that it doesn't make sense for a company to still be such a huge player in the business when all they have done is lie and attempt to buy others off. If I witnessed a bad business move on the scale that Monsanto has pulled off, I would say that those people are not worth my money and business. If enough people feel similarly – and we really should have vaguely the same moral, ethical code when it comes to what a lie can be defined as – then wouldn't Monsanto fail? A simple Google search – much like was shown in the documentary – reveals a long list of dirty laundry for the company. Dozens of articles talk about how to boycott the company, and an application has even been developed that will scan barcodes in grocery stores to allow buyers to see whether or not the product contains genetically modified organisms. It's easy to see how dedicated many people have become to the cause of being Monsanto crash and burn. But I wonder – is it really that easy?

I had a conversation with a close friend after finishing the documentary, and we were genuinely curious about how dedicated a person, let alone an entirely family, would have to be in order to truly boycott and make a difference. We played with the idea of actually trying to buy and eat organically for a year, purely from a journalistic perspective. Is it as easy as people believe it to be? With many issues today, we tend to get information and get instantaneously fired up and jump headfirst into educating others and advocating change. People as a whole tend to allow their emotions to get the best of them, and it's easier today when we can manipulate those emotions with videos and easily share them on social media. Take for example a video that recently went viral of a 12-year-old girl speaking out about being pro-life. I personally think this was a bold move, whether it was the girl's idea or their parents', because people are likely more willing to allow their emotions to guide them when a cute, smiling child is telling them a story as opposed to a politician or other adult public figure. The point that I am trying to make is that we need to take a deep breath and take the time and effort to do additional reading and research when we come across a story or information that gets us emotional. We should be seeking knowledge first and foremost. When we have reasonable cause to agree with what has been found, we should then become involved in actively making a change in our lives and the lives of others around us. As part of that process, we educate and advocate change. So often I see people, especially my age, see a single video or article and get very interested in a topic or issue – but for a very short time. It's almost a flavour of the week thing, and that is why I am doubtful that the sheer number of people who have publicly declared on social media their decision to boycott Monsanto products and companies will make a noticeable difference. People invest too much energy and emotion into issues initially and they burn-out quickly. We only have a very limited caring capacity, so when the next thing pulls on our heartstrings, we embrace it. We let it take over. It's a cycle that we need to break out of if we really want to make a difference in our world.

Generally speaking, I think people have good ideas and it is by no means wrong to care about the damage Monsanto has been doing for decades. As I mentioned early on, I myself am angered that this is how the American government acts when such a glaring hole is burning in their business practices. People are paying for the negative effects that Monsanto's products have on our health, and because they have such a presence in the market and make such a profit, they can keep their heads above the water. I feel powerless in this fight because everything in me tells me that what they are doing and what is happening is wrong, but I don't see how it can be changed at this point. I don't have an answer.

Have you ever boycott a product or company? Are you the exception to my "get on fire for this thing, ditch this thing a week later" theory?

Maybe college isn't for you

It is very rare these days that I am working alongside someone who is of a similar mind and work ethic as myself. I was raised to work hard. I got a part-time job at 15 years old and from that first pay-cheque on, I bought everything I wanted on my own dime. I went in to work for other people, I stayed late to help out, I did everything. I never imagined it was supposed to be any other way.

The same principles applied to my education. I worked hard and went to class. I was in the "Over 80 Club" all the way through. I took harder classes. I never took a spare as a senior. I applied to colleges right away. And then I attended those classes. I still do. But I am increasingly finding that the attitudes of people my age - and sometimes those older than me - really stink when it comes to accepting responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like people don't even understand the purpose of getting an education anymore.

Here are some of the top things I hear on a near-daily basis from my classmates that I can't for the life of me wrap my head around.

I hope class is cancelled/ I'm just going to skip
I can't understand this one in post-secondary when you're paying for all your classes. I admit that I have my days, usually later in a semester, where I attempt to weigh my priorities. I pick a class to skip only if:
a) I'm not sleeping well, possibly because I stayed up working on a huge assignment (in which case, shame on me for not managing my time well!)
b) I'm sick
c) Showing up doesn't count for marks
d) I have the textbook, so I can catch up
e) I am doing very well in the class
f) I have a basic understanding of the material being covered already
At the very least, two of these requirements have to be met in order for me to plan to skip class. I don't recommend this system to students with average or below average grades, or anyone who has a hard time with academics in general. Even I sometimes have to force myself to just grin and bear it. It's important.
However, I chum around and attend classes with students who spend entire semesters out of class - ones that give you marks just for attendance, at that - and then complain when they aren't doing well. If your grades are suffering and you are constantly praying for snow days and other issues that force your profs to cancel, you're out to lunch. If you're the student who makes their debut only on the day where they need to deliver a class presentation and there are murmurings of, "who is that guy? Is he even in our class?" you're probably not doing so well in the course.

______ is a bitch/asshole to do ______ to us
I constantly find myself in conversations with classesmates about how unreasonable our professors are. Anything from expecting us to be on time for class and having been assigned homework is fair game for name-calling. I am upset by this attitude because these are professors who, from all I have experienced, genuinely desire to see us succeed. Any professor who seems harsh or unreasonable at first has great intentions - they see the importance of professionalism. It is a great misconception that one's career begins once they have received their education and can begin to apply for jobs they are now qualified for. No, you see, your career path begins with attending whatever post-secondary institution you accept enrollment to. Your classes and education and experiences are now free to count "in the real world." Meet people, build a portfolio, whatever it is you will need. And the people who teach you don't just have to be people you avoided (because, ew, teachers) and don't foster valuable relationships with. They are there for a purpose, and if you can connect and network with them, they can be become so much more helpful to you later. This doesn't mean use them; suck up for a nice reference letter when you want a job. This means actually respect them and look up to them, see them as people who are there for you and have been where you are now. I find so many professors I've had are willing to even get together one on one and answer questions about their professions and experiences. Use that to your advantage.
And seriously? Complaining about assignments? It's their job. It's part of the curriculum. It's to be expected.

I don't even know this/We didn't learn this
If I had a dollar for every time I was in a lab and someone I was working with was constantly asking how to do something we have gone over a dozen times, I would probably be able to pay my embarrassing amount of debt. I get secondhand embarrassment for people who insist they have no idea what is going on and resort to insulting the professors for their own lack of attention paid to lectures and instructions. A number of my exams are practicals, and I've seen practical exams where it seemed as though people just didn't even try. They failed, because they didn't do what they were taught and supposed to do, and furthermore, they complained that they should have passed. No, you did it incorrectly. No, you didn't study. No, you didn't pay attention. Yes, we did learn it. You were either busy complaining, skipping class, or you forgot and moved on and somehow expected it to never show up again. A lot of programs and degrees are fairly cumulative; what you learn in the beginning is built on later. If you don't get a handle on the basics early on, you will be hard pressed to be successful in the future.

This is so dumb
If you think a course or assignment is dumb, maybe you don't understand its purpose. First you should ask your professor or faculty/program advisor why it is included. If you understand their reasoning and still disagree that strongly, maybe you can make a case against it so it isn't utilized in the future or is changed and improved somehow. Students do have the power to make changes. There are probably legitimate cases where professors are doing things they shouldn't be doing, grading things improperly/unfairly, etc. If you honestly want to improve something, there is a chain of command you can go through to see what can be done. But if you are just complaining because you don't want to do the work, no one can help you.

Here's the thing about post-secondary education. It's that weird inbetween stage where you're essentially an adult, but it feels often like you don't have to act like one. Maybe you're paying with your own hard-earned dollars. If you aren't, I can see how it's more challenging to see the connection between "this costs money every time I attend or don't attend, and I'm paying for a diploma/degree." You get stuck in this mentality that the world is your oyster, you're free, you are there to meet new people and do things by your own schedule because you don't live at home with your parents, perhaps for the first time ever. But I urge you to see your post-secondary experience as it really is, and as it should be - it's a huge part of your professional career. You have tons of resources and opportunities at your fingertips. Get involved, volunteer, meet people who will help you keep on task. It's a lot of time and money to spend to just fail classes, re-take them, graduate late, and not have networked at all to get yourself out and into the job world. See that everything has a purpose - the classes, the assignments, the expectations for your behaviour and participation. It doesn't take a genius to read a syllabus, because this stuff is right there. All assignments have these things called learning outcomes. By completing such and such a task, you should learn/be able to __________. It's an extension of what you read and hear in lectures. It's putting what you've learned to the test and really proving that you understand. That's where your grades essentially come from - how well you understand the material. And if you are constantly failing to attend class and participate, insulting people who are trying to help you, and just generally setting yourself up for failure - maybe college isn't for you.

You know that thing you do that keeps you cemented in the past? Maybe that social media account you check up on just because you know it will contain photographs or information that will make your blood boil and jealousy rip at the walls of your insides like it's trying to escape? Yeah, stop doing that. You deserve happiness. There is a road ahead that isn't concerned with who said what. You deserve freedom. You are not where you came from or what's happened to you. You deserve the best. What is coming now for you has nothing to do with what is coming for someone else. You deserve to worry about you. Write your own blogs. Take your own photos. Meet the love of your life. Live for now, and forget anyone who made you sad three weeks ago or a year ago. You will learn from your mistakes, and others will learn from theirs. Live for you, now, and do it with no regrets.

the future

The worst thing about being naked—and then being hit by a car—is that road rash is a problem for skin. Why was I naked in the middle of the road at noon? I am glad you asked, imaginary other half of this conversation! I have no idea! Some characteristics of bipolar disorder include dissociation, hallucinations,  and fugue states, so sometimes I wake up in places I didn't go to sleep!  So. There I am. Nude. Splayed out on a car like a slutty chicken, and I'm screaming about the government  conspiracy to take away my feet. Not my real feet.  Just my brain feet. I'm about six inches away  from the concrete when I realize, in slow motion,  like the exact opposite of a rhinoceros attack,  "This is not how I imagined my life would turn out." When I was young, I broke both my ankles jumping off a roof because  I was sure a cape would enable me to fly. My parents  attributed this to my strong imagination. Last year, my therapist called it a delusion. I fail  to see the difference. Also, I really can fly  and see the future and make stupid people leave coffee shops with my mind. Forty-three percent of the time. Sometimes I see people as colors. For instance, this guy right here is purple, which means he just got a promotion. Or a blowjob. A blowmotion, if you will. The point is,  here is a list of things my brain has told me to do: join a cult; start a cult; become a cabinet maker; kill myself, so, in essence, become a cabinet maker; break into, and then paint, other people's houses; have sex with literally everyone who reminds me of my mother; fight people who are much fightier than me, like the cops, so, in essence, kill myself. I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that's never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I'm up I don't kill myself because, holy shit, there's so much left to do! When I'm down I don't kill myself because then the sadness would be over, and the sadness is my old paint under the new. The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder: I'd still be me without it but I'd be so boring. They keep telling me seeing things that aren't technically there is called "disturbed cognitive functioning." I call it "having a superpower." Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst into flames. I knew my girlfriend and I would be together because she turned bright pink the first time she saw me. I know tomorrow is going to come because I've seen it. Sunrise is going to come, all you have to do is wake up. The future has been at war, but it's coming home so soon. The future looks like a child in a cape. The future is the map and the treasure. The future looks just like gravity:  everyone is slowly drifting toward everyone else. We are all going to be part of each other  one day. The future is a blue sky and a full  tank of gas. I saw the future, I did,  and in it I was alive.

Ruin your life

Insecurity will do that.

I do not like myself. When someone makes nearly any comment, as people tend to do, I will always do one of three things. I will assume a defensive position and fight to the death to be right where there was no question or argument or blame, I will overanalyze the words spoken to the point that I can only assume the worst, or I will assume that the person believes me to be unintelligent and incompetent and was trying to insult me. It does not take much.

"Wow, I'm kind of tired today," a close friend might say.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wanted to hang out with you. I was just going to be busy tomorrow and I have plans to go home this weekend. I thought you said you wanted to hang out. I'm sorry you don't like me. I I wish you had told me you were tired. I wish you hadn't lied and said you were tired if you just didn't want to hang out or were already busy. I'm sorry. I can go. I'm sorry I wasted your time. I hope you aren't mad. I'm sorry you think I'm so dumb. I'm sorry." 

If someone else drops something, I will apologize. In an anxious and self-loathing mind, it is all I can do. Yesterday I cried because I opened a car door and the wind blew it open. I nearly hit the car parked next to me. I cried because I made a mistake that was honest and could not have been prevented. It happened, and then I felt stupid. I said to who I was with, "I'm sorry! There was wind! I'm so stupid. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let that happen. Let's go home instead."

You see how this makes things more challenging?

Someone once told me they could never accept a sincere apology from me because I am so flippant about using those words, "I'm sorry," already. They lose their meaning when they are repeatedly so often. Save it for when I really need it, that kind of thing.

I am so concerned about - what, exactly? I do not care what people think about me in a relational sense. I am not concerned with my popularity or even my reputation necessarily. I just want to be sure not to give anyone a reason to call me stupid. That is probably the worst thing about my insecurities - they do not make rational sense. I think I am smart. I think I am fairly well read. I believe that I know a thing or two. I still hate myself and call myself stupid. The catch is that no one else is allowed to. It ruins me. It ruins me so much that I am perpetually in a state of believing that everyone is already thinking it. Whatever frame of mind this is that I am trapped in, it has me set up for failure; indefinitely. People cannot sincerely think positive things about me. I will not believe them. Even if I want to and sometimes can find it in me to do so, I am trained already to assume one of my three positions. It is ingrained in me to fight and refuse most forms of love.

I just want to stop feeling so useless. I know what my behaviour can do to the people I care about. I make other people feel as though they are doing something wrong. I make people feel like they cannot say or do certain things when they are around me. It is not true. I do not want anyone to feel afraid of hurting me. I can take a joke. I have a sense of humour. You can poke fun at my expense. I just cannot take a normal comment that a regular person would not think anything of. I am grossly unpredictable and moody.

This is going to seem untimely and ironic, but I want to publicly apologize. Whatever your relationship to me, if I ever made you feel like you were not doing enough to make me happy, mea culpa. I promise you were and are doing fine. I know what my faults are, and I even know which bits are merely my perceived faults. I do not know a magical spell or a potion that will make insecurities and anxieties disappear, and I do not know why I am so paranoid. What I do know is that I am a person full of love. Perhaps that is why I have such difficulty accepting any for myself - there is more than enough in me for others.

I am taking small steps to make myself see that I am not the center of everyone else's universe. I am loved more than I let myself believe. I am going to  s l o w l y  lessen my apologies where they are not warranted. I can bring impact and meaning back to those words, "I'm sorry."

Where I'm going with my life - since you've asked

Today I felt an overwhelming urge to write on this blog. This is a place I had high hopes for, because I do love writing. I love it when it's happening, I love the feeling I get after completing something and believing I articulated my heart of hearts clearly and accurately, I love wandering back and reopening my wounds (I am a bit of a sadist, afterall). So I did the self destruction thing today. I was recently informed that my writing here has been beneficial to some poor, beautiful soul, and I was curious about where my heart has been the past couple years. I deleted only two posts because I was disgusted at my word choices and the ideas that I was putting forth under my name. I am honest, this is my life and the inner workings of my mind, and as difficult as it can be to embarrass me, there were some things that made me groan. I don't doubt they were a part of who and where I was at the time, but I don't want to see those words again. They served their purpose. This place will change because, as nice as it is to keep looking back and learning from my mistakes, sometimes a girl just has to remove all traces of her past.

Anyone who reads the relatively empty pages of this blog will likely spot the transition in worldviews and the challenges that have come with that. I wish I could be glib, but I know of no other way to explain what has been going than to come out and say it. I don't think I can any longer identify as a Christian: in person, on social media, in the world and society I live and work in and contribute to. I don't have the desire to call myself someone who believes that a (the one and only) good god created the world, did a bunch of weird stuff intermittently with his creation, sent his son (himself) to die for everybody in the world, and that everybody who follows this will go to heaven just so they can keep on following and loving him forever.

I do love and whole-heartedly support the notion that people should crave justice for those who do not have it and lack the resources or position in their life to get it. I do think people should go out in their community, donate their time and money if possible, and strive to be charitable and hospitable. I desperately want to be a kind and compassionate person. I value patience and goodness and all of the things that most human beings, regardless of their religion or lack thereof, are raised to believe in. I try my best to be respectful of my environment and peers, and I want to follow the law. I don't want to be violent or dishonest in dealing with my problems. These are very basic things that are in Scripture. These are all things that Christians try to work into their lives. They are important. They are universal.

I just do not think people should be judged or punished for believing something different. I do not think I am better than anyone because I abstain from certain substances or activities. I do not perpetuate the ridiculous notion that I can "hate a sin, yet love the sinner." I refuse to invalidate a love or marriage based on the gender identity or sexual orientation of the participants. I do not want a church-run state. I am a feminist. I have sex and I love it. I drink sometimes. I love to educate myself about as many things as possible, and I believe that censorship in the way of knowledge of the world we live in is detrimental.

Some of the things I was and did believe as I was figuring out where I stood could still fit into the Christian belief. Some of the grey areas, like whether or not consuming some alcohol is acceptable, did not change the core, defining aspects of what would still make me "eligible" to proudly stick an Ichthys on my bumper. I wrestled with this over the past few months, desperately seeking somewhere I belonged. Am I still a part of this community if I am sexually liberated and do not want to get married at 18? What if I am career driven and do not want to be a mother? I like beer, is that okay? But the same things constantly came up: Why do I care about doing things I like if I believe that my old self is dead, and why am I not living the way that everybody else does? Is liking things wrong? It sure sounds like it. Shouldn't I be changed? Shouldn't I have stopped wanting to do what I want, and live a life that follows Christ? I had answers, I spit them out and knew all the right things to say to look good on the outside. Inside, however, was a constant state of disturbance, confusion, and uncertainity. I always felt like I was betraying myself and would never be good enough at the whole god thing. I didn't talk like everybody else. I didn't feel comfortable even attempting. The two sides of myself, "faking-it-to-make-it," and trying to be the most true to myself were in direct opposition. What do I really believe about the world?

Things just seemed to unravel in the realm of logic after that. There have been innumerable circumstances and experiences inbetween, "I can do this god thing on my own, just with me and god, he is helping me get through the hard bits, I believe this" and wherever it is I am now. These things coloured the way I saw the church and myself, my own faith and religion as a whole. The way people treat anyone who goes through a change in faith or beliefs is appalling to me, and I've seen it happen with people I care about. I am not currently trying to be a vehement atheist and throw daggers at anyone who believes in or loves god. That is not my goal, nor my desire. I know people who believe the gospel and live out their faith admirably and they are intellectuals, they are well-educated, they enjoy things that I enjoy, I get along with them swimmingly. I do not think that Christians are weak or stupid. I don't think poorly of anyone who is different, and that is the kind of person I will always want to strive to be. I want to care about people on an individual basis whenever I can, the best that I can.

Anyone reading this who feels betrayed, anyone who is thinking, "that girl was so involved at church! She was so involved at Bible college! I really loved and trusted her and cared about her," there is something I desperately want to say. If you feel badly about "where I am going with my life," I am going to be deeply hurt and disappointed in your reaction because, simply put, it reinforces the negative feelings I have towards the Christian community and culture. That anyone would pity me or feel angry or think, "what a shame," because I am being myself, learning and growing, and making steps towards being a happy and healthy human being breaks my heart. You cannot insinuate that you can no longer care about me and love and trust me because I am having doubts and pursuing other things. I do not say this because my intention is to, in turn, make you feel guilty. I just don't need pity for existing the way that I do, no matter how different it is from what you are used to. I am not a worse person morally because I have made public my view on certain things instead of keeping it in so as not to cause controversy. I am not less worthy of your time or our existing relationship because I am made happy by things that you do not believe are fulfilling. In the end, I am not really any different than who I was before.

I am torn, broken at all kinds of odd angles, and leaving my heart open to all of you right now. I am so sorry for any negative feelings you may have felt or are currently feeling regarding my character or life choices. I feel like I shouldn't have to say anything like this, but anyone who knows me will realize that it would be impossible for me not to choke out a few hundred apologies. I want to be a stronger person and not apologize for being honest about what I believe and what is going on with my life, but I can't do it for some reason. I know people will be upset with me, and that is one of the very things I have grown exhausted of. A great number of people who are not me have concerned themselves with whom I keep company, where I am going (on a daily basis or after I am dead), what I say and what I consume. I am capable of and have the capacity to love others and be happy. I will not hear anything about things in the "secular world" having a negative impact on my life, because everything I have done and learned and expressed and worked through these past few months have made me happier and more stable mentally and emotionally. I have no use for pity.

It is very important to me that others understand how much of this decision (or realization or learning experience, whatever you want to call it) is truly mine. I will say it once: this was all my choice. Perhaps the most devastating realization while grappling with all of this is that the beginning of my journey of faith was likely not because I saw god's face in a dream or prayed and felt a presence or truly felt moved to serve a being who died on my behalf. I think about it now and I like the idea of it, it is a narrative that grips your emotions and inspires a response, and it is a very lovely thought. It doesn't make sense to me anymore, I don't believe much of it, but I know why some people can. I don't know how to admit to how emotion-driven my dive into Christianity was. It was a very easy thing for me to hear about, decide it made sense, and then go through the motions. I grew up with no answers, and Christianity seemed to have them. I can't even say I was motivated by a fear of everlasting pain and despair brought on by not following Christ. I cared about someone who cared about god. I believed in a relationship with another person enough to allow myself to be molded into a Christianity-shaped box. I didn't question too many things, I believed in an integrated view of science and religion, I fit in relatively well and most people were nice and inclusive. I was young and impressionable. It made me feel good until it didn't and I had more questions than answers. I have a suspicion about what people are thinking. I will hear the words, "I told you so." I may make someone else's life more challenging for a time because they may be blamed for me having  been "lead astray." Maybe in a couple years I will read this and realize how wrong I was. I don't think I will, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be more informed about a myriad of things. I want to seek that out. I don't know what the future holds, but I have done the work in my life now and I know where I stand and what I don't believe. I will never stop learning and asking questions.

I believe that doubt and uncertainity are important aspects of a person's faith and philosophy and journey through life. I've learned a lot about critical thinking lately. I think you can be like me, in a position where you are unsure about very important parts of your life and you can still come out a strong believer in whatever it is you believe. If it were someone else, perhaps they would have the difficult questions and experience dreadful things and do a whole lot of soul-searching and still end up believing the gospel with all their strength, all their soul, and all their might. This just hasn't been the case for me. It is not without pain and sorrow, this conclusion I've come to. I am terrified that everyone I love and that has loved me, as a "fellow believer," will dislike me and say less than positive things about me. I am afraid I will still be viewed as too impressionable and unable to do what I want. I don't want to lose something that has been a part of my life, no matter how much I don't believe it. It has put a lot of good into my life and shaped who I am, but it is not where I find my identity now.

I don't know how to end this at all. I am shaking at the thought of going through with this, with pressing a button that will essentially turn me into a liar and a heathen to some of you. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I should feel so intimidated by publishing my "deepest, darkest secrets" (which aren't even that dark at all). Shame and fear, my friends.

I still love you all and hope you can feel the same towards me.